The first track I heard from Camp Girls was called ‘Angry Song’. It stuck out to me while checking them out on their bandcamp page, so I played it. I knew once the first line of the song was done, I had to have them be apart of this project. It was from this line and the resulting interview that it was clear to me, Camp Girls does not give a fuck. The breath of fresh air they put forth in both their music and in person is the reason I felt so immediately drawn to talking to this band. In my opinion they’re what the scene is so desperately craving right now; voices from all kinds of backgrounds and experiences to look to and draw a little bit of inspiration from. Comprising of Becca, Mel, Autumn and Maddie; This non-binary & female identifying band brings something to the table in both their lyrics, and their advice. Out of all 8 interviews I’ve been so lucky to do, this one was my favorite to listen back to. Sitting down with them made me realize that the title of ‘Inspirational Songstress’ is not only one for only female musicians, but for those who feel under represented in the music scene around them. People who are looking to leave something behind in regards to confidence, or making it as part of the under represented. For those looking, Camp Girls could be those people to look up to and see themselves and what they could be in both the scene and in real life. So on an extremely cold day in February at Bitondo’s Pizza in Little Italy, I sat down with Camp Girls and asked them these questions… Inspirational Songstress: How would you describe your music? Becca: Oh god that’s the worst question haha. Autumn: Punk influenced pop. Maddie: But also rock. Autumn: I would call us punk rock. Becca: Someone at our last show called us ‘Riot Girl with Synth.’ Autumn: That’s inaccurate, also, the second best compliment we’ve ever got. The first best compliment we ever got was when that person called our band a ‘Minority Gimmick.’ Mel: We’ve also been called Toronto darling punk, which I think is kinda cute. A promoter for a show called us that. Inspirational Songstress: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? Becca: I would say personally getting over my fears of performing in front of people and just being in front of people. Allowing myself to just do what I want and be myself and trying not to care what people think. But that’s hard when you have anxiety. Autumn: Confidence is just not letting people get in your way and feeling good about what you’re doing. Mel: Autumn has pointed out to me that I have a tendency to apologise when I’m onstage in between songs. I recently decided that I’m not going to do that anymore. If all I can say is an apology, then I’m not going to do any stage banter. I’m just gonna power through. Inspirational Songstress: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? Maddie: It’s a different kind of confidence. When you’re onstage there’s a certain aspect of adrenaline. I feel like sometimes we do really terribly and sometimes we do really great. So when it’s a low, it’s really low, but when it’s a high it’s higher than you could ever be when you’re off stage. Autumn: That’s true. When you’re up there all of a sudden you’re like ‘I know that I’m doing a good job and everyone likes my band right now.’ That feels super good. Then offstage I’m like ‘Please don’t walk into me.’ Becca: Right after a show though, you’re still riding that adrenaline wave and you’re so confident like, that was great, even if I totally fucked up something. Autumn: That’s true, it lasts a solid 4 hours. That after show confidence. Mel: I’ve actually been noticing that after shows I always wake up sad, and Autumn suggested it’s because I’m coming down from an adrenaline rush the morning after. Inspirational Songstress: Where does your strength come from to share your art? Autumn: All of those super dope straight edge records I used to listen to about remaining true, staying strong, positive out look, pma. That’s where I gain my inner strength from, listening to youth crew records. Becca: For me the frustration of being a youth and not having adults listen to you. Now I’m an adult, I can make people listen to me and if I’m onstage performing they can listen or they can leave. They don’t really have a choice. Just, my family not listening to me when I was younger and having all this pent up frustration of things I want to express and forcing people to listen. Autumn: Social pressure. Like if you walk away from this band right now everyone’s going to see you, especially when the exist is by the stage. No one wants to be that person that walks in front of the band to leave to have a smoke or whatever. Inspirational Songstress: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? Becca: Drunk at a party and people being like ‘play something on guitar!’ and I’m like ‘Ok!’ Never having performed in front of people before and I did it and people saying ‘That’s so great! You should keep doing that.’ And I thought oh, ok! I didn’t think of this as an option until now. Maddie: I’d say the same. Becca: Before then I wouldn’t really perform in front of people, I was very very shy. It would take my boyfriend, at the time, hours to convince me to play him one song. So ya, drunk at parties. Autumn: For me it’s probably a few years ago. I used to play in this punk band and there was a Halloween show. It was held in one of my band members, at the time, his apartment. Everyone in his apartment put on this Halloween party and got dressed up and I put on this flower print dress and tried my best to look like Courtney Love, even though I definitely didn’t. When we played this room was packed and I could see everyone jumping up and down at the same time I looked down and saw the floorboards of the apartment bounce up and down. I was scared but I was also like, this is the coolest thing to ever happen to me. I’m chilling up here looking pretty nice and everyone seems to like my music, and that made me feel great. Mel: I feel like when I started my very first band, I had just bought a bass and hadn’t learned how to play it at all. I was just making charming naïve music with pals. I feel like the encouragement of my friends convinced me to keep going even though I maybe wasn’t super amazing at it. I think I’ve only become confident in my ability to play bass within the past two years, probably within even the past year. I can’t really think of an exact moment. Inspirational Songstress: That’s ok it. I think it’s hard to pin point the exact time where you think ‘This is it now I’m a musician and I’m super confident about it.’ I don’t think anyone ever gets to that ‘I’m super confident spilling my guts to everyone’ feeling. Autumn: It’s also not permanent, right? Sure that one time I was telling you about felt real nice, but I’ve played a hundred shows since then where I thought ‘Oh man I did really bad! Everyone hates me and my band.’ So it comes and goes. Mel: I feel like I’m confident when I look at videos that were taken of us when I first joined camp girls. I can see how my ability to play bass has improved since then. Maddie: I think another time is when you’re practicing and, either alone or with all of us, we finish and song and it’s all quiet and we’re just nodding at each other. Autumn: We done right by ourselves. Maddie: We might not actually perform that good sometimes, but at least in practice it’s good. Autumn: At least we know we’re a good band. Inspirational Songstress: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? Autumn: I was the one who picked this location so maybe I can speak to it. To be honest this actual location isn’t what’s important so much as the idea of hanging out with pals, eating pizza. These are some people that I feel most confident with, especially cause we play together on stage. It feels good to hang out with your friends and eat some pizza. Becca: We’ve had a lot of pizza together. Autumn: We’ve had so much pizza together. It’s not this pizza specifically but pizza in general. Maddie: This is a really nice pizza place. Autumn: What I like about this pizza is that it’s straight up and down working class, no gimmicky, no bullshit just good pizza. Becca: No bullshit pizza, for a no bullshit band. Mel: I feel like what I like about pizza is that if we’re meeting together as a band having a band meeting if we have pizza, then it’s not like a business meeting. It’s a bunch of friends talking about our goals for the future. Autumn: This isn’t a big intimidating interview, it’s just a bunch of pals eating pizza together. Inspirational Songstress: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? Maddie: I think you have to keep going backwards, sometimes, in order to recover and be better than you were before. People who are much older than us will still have days where they’re not confident at all and then once they recover they’ll be like ‘Oh my god I know so much more than I did yesterday.’ Becca: I guess that I suffer from Mental Illness is a big one, because that definitely affects my confidence in a big way. Just having your friends and these guys around to, what Mel was saying, give me encouragement that’s kind of what helps me and keeps me going. I’ve been able to deal with a lot of tough subjects just by writing about it. I would say Mental Health just in general is the biggest hindrance of my confidence. Autumn: For me it’s about externalizing stuff. Being trans, a lot of my self confidence is directly related to how I feel I’m perceived by the world. So being misgendered will literally kill my self confidence for three days. It used to be a lot worse and eventually I got to a point where I kind of just figured out that people’s perception of you is more related to how they feel about themselves, than it is to do with who you are. At the end of the day if you get misgendered or something it’s less about you and how you present, and more about how much they respect you and you really can’t change that. If someone doesn’t respect you, you can’t make them respect you. For me, finding confidence is a lot less about internalizing things and thinking that I need to be prettier or whatever it is I think I need to be, and more about externalizing that this mean person needs to be respectful and think more highly of people in general and sort their shit out. Basically any confidence comes from within yourself and when shit happens to you, you just gotta be like ‘that’s the outside world and your bad attitude is your problem, not my problem. I feel good, I feel like I make good music, I feel pretty’ ect. Mel: A good way to keep confidence going in our band is to keep writing new songs or making new things. Having something on the go is kind of a way that I remain confident in us, or confident that we’re growing or changing and getting better. My perception of myself is always switching between two extremes. I'm either obnoxiously confident or I’m too anxious to leave my house. Sometimes all of the commitments I've made to various projects feel like goals I've set to make sure I'm always growing. Sometimes the world is overwhelming and it's hard to find the energy to participate. Inspirational Songstress: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? Autumn: Not in Camp Girls but in my other bands, when people dance. Mel: I was about to say when people dance. Cause people do dance for Camp Girls…. Autumn: Once haha Becca: It’s happened more than once. Autumn: When you're up there singing some song about whatever thing it is that’s bugging you, and somebody goes off you’re like ‘Oh shit!’ I’m focused on playing the music but you’ll see in a video of you playing after and you didn’t notice but the crowd is going bananas. You see your best friend mosh for the best part and you’re like, damn that feels so good. Physically, you can see they’re really enjoying themselves. Especially in Toronto, because in Toronto the thing to do is stand with your arms crossed. If they’re nodding their heads that means you’re probably doing a good job. But in KW, if they’re not crowd surfing you’re fucking up, you know what I mean? Becca: I remember at our EP release before these two (Autumn and Maddie) were in the band, I was so so nervous and we were all a little too drunk. We were performing and I was like ‘Oh my god! We’re fucking up this is awful but when we were playing one song I saw someone singing to the words and I had never seen someone sing along before. Then someone started crowd surfing in my house, it was a house show at my place, and someone was crowd surfing. I thought ‘This has never happened!’ It felt so great. Autumn: That’s another thing. When you see people singing the lyrics that you wrote you’re like ‘Whoa, ok’ Mel: They’re paying attention. Becca: It was during Angry Song; I remember seeing someone singing along ‘You’re not my friend anymore.’ Mel: I played a show with my other band last week, it’s a hardcore band that I front. It was definitely a Toronto crowd; people weren’t really dancing. I kept looking up though and people were smiling and clearly having a good time which was so encouraging. Also taking pictures. Becca: I love it when I see people taking pictures when we’re on stage. That makes me really happy. Mel: They like us enough to document that they saw us. Becca: They want to remember and share that they were at our show or something. Autumn: It always makes me self conscious, like ‘Ah man I know I look like a doufus right now, and these flashing lights are in my face.’ Mel: I’m usually pretty red faced. That’s the one thing that I get nervous about. Maddie: I would just say all of those things, but also I feel the best when I nail my drum parts cause sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it’s ok, other times after the show I’m like ‘Wow. Why did I do so badly?’ When I nail a drum roll or whatever, when I sounds really rockin’ that’s when I’m like ‘Oh this is worth it.’ Mel: True. We all said kinda superficial things but really when you can tell that you’re playing well. Becca: I think all the things that we said are things people in other bands also think. Autumn: Definitely when I first started performing there were shows where I could never face the audience. I would just have my back to them and kneeled over into the kick drum. Peering over my shoulder thinking ‘God do they hate it? Are they coming after me?’ Maddie: Especially for banter I don’t think we’ve ever said anything cool. Becca: Oh no we’re not cool on stage. Haha. I just say thanks guys cause if I talk any more it turns into this whole thing of me and Mel going back and forth saying awkward shit. Inspirational Songstress: Who is your female/non-binary inspiration? Musician or not. Mel: Adult Mom. It’s a band fronted by a non-binary person. They write really touching and heartfelt songs that are great to cry to. Becca: Ever since I discovered Worriers I’ve been obsessed with Lauren the vocalist whose also non-binary. They also sing a lot of stuff about gender and stuff like that in their songs that’s the kind of stuff that I have been wanting to delve into more in my lyrics. So that’s been a big inspiration for me and just how confident they seem onstage, they seem to know what they want and I don’t know. There’s just something about them, like ‘wow you’re so cool.’ It’s one of those situations where I’m like, I don’t know if I want to be you or marry you which happens a lot. Autumn: There’s this one person named Chris McQueen who’s a non-binary pal of mine and the first time I met them, they were singing in this cool band called Mighty Atom. I didn’t know them at that time, I just went to a random show and I think it was one of their first, if not their first show. I was like ‘Whoa this band just rips!’ I had never seen or heard anything like that. Eventually we became friends and that person, just through their music and their friendship has always been a big inspiration to me and just a really good pal. I wanna plug their band so bad right now, Therapy from San Diego. Becca: You just reminded me, this is gonna sound silly and gushy but Sam from Pony was a big influence for me. I remember before I started playing in bands I remember seeing her play and thought, wow. Another one of those things where I wanna be you! I got to play with her for a one night only fest, being able to play music with her and seeing how she works it got my confidence up that I could do this too. Seeing someone who’s in a very similar position, similar stage of life, doing the thing that I wanna do. I thought ‘Ya I can do that.’ She’s just the biggest sweetheart as well, I know that helps. Maddie: I would have to say you three people. I wrote some of the drums parts but you guys are so inspiring to be at the Rehearsal Factory with and to be on stage with. I’m in another female fronted band but, just powerful people who identify as non-binary or trans or whatever it’s just nice to be around. Inspirational Songstress: What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music? Becca: Two times we played at D-Beatstro, the first time mid song I anxiety puked all over the stage and I hadn’t eaten anything all day it was just water everywhere. The next time we played there I finished the song, that I had puked during previously, and I just stopped and I looked around at all these guys and I remember Maddie was like ‘Do you need a glass of water?’ I just threw my guitar down and it was buzzing and I just ran to the bathroom, it happened again. Ever since then I think it’s definitely affected my confidence before I perform because I’m like ‘Oh no I’m going to puke again!’ Mel: Even at our last show half way though you were like ‘I’m feeling a little anxiety pukey’ Becca: But I didn’t puke! The third time I played at D-Beatstro was with my other band and the owner put a big garbage bin on the side of the stage for me. I didn’t puke then so I guess the trick is just be prepared. It’s helped me in the sense that I know that even if I’m super super anxious I can still get up there and perform and potentially not puke. Then if I don’t I just feel great and amazing after. I can be like ‘I did it guys! I did it!’ Mel: When I first started playing bass a bunch of dudes asked me if I would play bass in their band. Then I went to our first and only practice and they had all clearly grown up learning how to play guitar and being encouraged to play guitar. I had literally just picked up this bass. I was sitting in the corner and turned my amp as far down as it could possibly be, and still hear it, and they were just joking around doing power stances and doing very wanky riffs. It was a joke, but it was still showing off that they were confident enough at their instruments. It was dominating. I felt super unconfident and kind of just like ‘What the hell am I doing here?’ I kind of feel like I grew from that experience. I learned that it’s really important to just surround yourself with people that are going to help you grow or encourage your growth, rather than step over it or not give you room. Maddie: I would say the same thing that Mel said it’s very similar with drumming. When I first started playing drums I would see all the dudes do this thing on the high hat. I was like ‘is that something every drummer should just know how to do?’ Autumn: That’s how I felt when I started playing guitar and seeing that my friends could shred and being like ‘Damn I guess I’m supposed to learn how to do that?’ Then eventually because of punk I was like ‘Fuck shredding! That shit sucks! Who shreds? Only dickheads shred.’ Inspirational Songstress: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female/non-binary musician? Becca: To not let shitty dudes get you down. Being non-binary femme presenting in the music industry, a lot of men just assume you don’t know what you’re doing. Or they assume you don’t know anything and they talk down to you. I just have to tell myself, ‘You do know what you’re doing. You’re doing a good job at this and these fucking people don’t know shit about what you’re doing.’ Autumn: Remember that you represent all women. When you play bad you’re making everyone look bad. All: That’s not true! Autumn: But it is true. It’s not a good thing, but it is true. Maddie: That’s true. When you see a female or femme identifying band and they suck, or they’re just learning all the dudes in the audience are like ‘I knew it!’ Becca: It’s if they’re bad it’s cause they’re girls, but if a dude fucks up on stage everyone’s like ‘Oh he’s just having a good time or whatever it doesn’t matter!’ Maddie: There’s a lot more pressure and you shouldn’t feel that pressure. Autumn: When I fuck up playing I’m like ‘Damn I’m representing all trans musicians right now.’ Not actually, cause I don’t feel that way, but there are people out there... Inspirational Songstress: Who are judging you before you start to play. Autumn: In being any marginalized identity you unfortunately represent the whole group. Mel: But also, there are people who are in the audience who see you on stage and are really grateful to see you on stage. Autumn: That’s true. Mel: Just knowing that we’re contributing to representation in the scene. I went back to Kitchener once and this teenaged girl who saw my band Hissy Fit play so many years ago (which is the band that I was just learning out to play bass in) came up to me and was like ‘Are you Mel from Camp Girls and Hissy Fit?’ She was telling me that after seeing my band play she got a guitar and started playing with a friend and the first song they learned was a cover of the first song I ever wrote on bass. It was so nice! It’s important to remember that even if you don’t feel confident in yourself, you’re still visible to other people. Autumn: Other people can get confidence from you. That person probably didn’t feel confident to play guitar ‘til they saw you play a gig that you probably thought sucked. Even if I play synth badly I’m sure there are people who see me play synth and are like ‘Hey, if that person can do it!’ Mel: Honestly it’s encouraging to see a bad band sometimes. Cause if they’re bad but you’re like ‘I’m into it anyway’ then it gives you the confidence to suck publicly and not be ashamed about it. Maddie: You have to suck in order to not suck. A lot of female and femme identifying musicians are definitely told that they can’t suck. Inspirational Songstress: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now?
Autumn: Fuck ‘em up. Instead of turning around like a loser, fuck ‘em up. What’s the worse case? You get beaten up, so what? At least you tried to fuck that guy up! Mel: Actually same, same answer. I mean are we talking obstacles in the music scene or obstacles in general? Inspirational Songstress: Anything you want it to be. Mel: Definitely fuck that guy up. Becca: I’ll agree with that. I mean I’ve punched a person in the face one time. Autumn: That’s sick, you fucked that guy up right? Becca: I fucked him up haha. Autumn: And you felt good right? Would you go back in time and be like ‘Yo, you shouldn’t fuck this person up?’ Becca: No I definitely have no regrets. Autumn: Ya see? The only regrets you have is not fucking that dude up. Becca: I have regretted not punching someone in the face before. Also, you’re not going to feel this way forever. I guess just telling myself, I tattooed this on myself for a reason, ‘it’s ok’ so I can tell myself it’s ok all the time. Autumn: In the moment you feel bad but you’d feel better if you fucked him up haha. Becca: Actually something somebody said to me once that really resonated with me was, ‘You can’t control everything in your life, but you can always control how you handle that.’ So that’s kind of how I like to look at things and that’s what I tell myself if I’m going through something. I can’t necessarily control the situation but what I can control is how I react to it and how I deal with it. From there you can turn things around if you want to. Mel: Maybe another idea of an answer related to ‘Fuck that guy up.’ I feel like an important thing I would tell past me is, hierarchy in music scenes don’t matter and if someone does something bad you’re allowed to talk about it. Even they’re in a band everybody likes. Even if you don’t contribute to the music scene you’re in or don’t contribute creatively to whatever community you’re involved in, you still have a right to feel safe. You still have a right to have a voice. But also, I should have fucked that guy up haha. Autumn: Regarding social hierarchy, relating to fucking people up or not fucking people up, it might seem like if you call this person out or fuck this person up that you’re going to socially suffer because of it. But at the end of the day like you (Mel) said, people deserve to feel safe even if the cost of making people feel safe is fucking people up. That’s how nazis got kicked out of punk shows in the 80’s. You might say that’s a bad answer but, that shit is subjective. Inspirational Songstress: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? Autumn: Love each other, be nice. Be nice to us too because we mess up. Be nice to bands, be nice to people. Always dive deeper. A band that you like, find out the bands that they like and listen to them, don’t scratch things on the superficial level. Find out what made your favorite bands tick. Inspirational Songstress: What’s your advice for other women or non-binary peoples, young or old, who struggle with confidence? Becca: Keep trying even if something doesn’t sound like what you imagined or something’s not going the way you planned. You’re never going to get there if you don’t keep trying. Autumn: I wanna go back to what I said before; when people are trying to get at you or penetrate through you as an external source, you need to treat it as an external source. If someone’s trying to make you feel bad it’s because they have problems respecting people because they have problems understanding who you are and where you come from. Don’t make it about who you are or how you could be better. At the end of the day it’s that person’s problem. Feel good about what you’re doing if you know that you feel good about what you’re doing, then keep doing it. Don’t let people make you feel bad for it. Becca: Ya, if something makes you happy just fuck everything else. Maddie: This is really practical advice and it’s really serious; really don’t be scared to go poop in a venue. Mel: Totally! Maddie: I won’t explain but, ya’ll know what I mean. Mel: I feel like there have been a couple times that I’ve said to you ‘I’m going to go anxiety poop.’ Maddie: Sometimes if you feel too scared to, it could ruin the way you play. Becca: You’re all stiff and uncomfortable cause you’re holding in that turd. Autumn: Do whatever you need to feel comfortable. Parting words; eat pizza with your friends, and feel good. Surround yourself with things that you love and people that you love like your bandmates or your friends or whatever it is. Surround yourself with positive stuff. Becca: I stand by what I said, if something makes you happy then fuck everything else just do that.
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The first time i head the name 'Nikki Fierce' was in a now closed bar in downtown Toronto named the Central. The band i was in at the time was playing a show there where we met Emzy, who was working there. She told us she was in a band and if we ever needed a group to play with, give her a call. A couple months later we had the opportunity to play with them at a benefit at the same bar. There energy, presence and passion stuck me so much that years later when i was putting this project together i added them to my 'must interview'. The bond that these girls share is amazing to witness. The energy they give off when talking about music is inspiring and true. After forming in High School, the experiences they've shared since then have made them a tight unit on stage and off. It's through a long history of trust that they are able to share experiences and problems with each other in order to write such honest music. Getting to sit down with them was a great moment and i hope some of the words they shared with me stick with you. Just before their release show for their new EP 'Man Made Woman', it was great to get back to basics with them and talk about the root of their writing. So on a mild winter day in January, on the University of Toronto St George Campus I sat down with Bassist/Vocalist - Emzy, Guitarist/Vocalist Evangeline, and Drummer/Vocalist Claire to ask them these questions... Inspirational Songstress: How would you describe your music? Emzy: We’re feminist, artistic, witchy, powerful, dark, textured, gritty, bad ass, expressive and honest. Evangeline: She basically summed it up, especially with the adjectives. Emzy: We defiantly like to speak from our heart and describe our personal experiences through music, and lyrics. Claire: You already said honest but, honest and raw. Which I think are two very important aspects to our music. Evangeline: I find we tend to try and get the sound to reflect the lyrics in a way. I’m sure that’s the same for a lot of bands but, I think we especially try to focus on that and get the emotion and the musicality to feel the same as what we’re saying. Inspirational Songstress: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? Emzy: You can be yourself without second guessing, without doubting who you are. For me it means being able to write music and pushing myself to stand up for what I believe in and building myself up to who I wanna be; happy, a good person, free from constraints of societal norms and things that I don’t agree with. We’re all effected by those things so you have to be aware of it. Being confident means allowing those things to affect you but not necessarily feed into them or be altered by them. You are who you are so you got to be that and nothing else. Claire: I think that for me I struggle with a lot of fake confidence. I think that stems from when I’m having the most insecurities and then I’ll project that and become cocky. I find what confidence is to me is when I can be surrounded by amazing, beautiful, talented, successful people and still be encouraged and feel like motivated by that and also comfortable with myself. Evangeline: I feel like they summed it up so much. But what confidence means to me personally? I think a lot of it would have to do with letting go of inhibitions. Especially in terms of being a woman and having a lot of pressures on how you’re supposed to look, how you’re supposed to act and basically getting beyond that. Acknowledging that you’re going to feel these things but getting past that. Inspirational Songstress: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? Claire: I think that’s tricky! It’s almost a different energy on stage. Emzy: It’s a different kind of confidence. I love performing so for me I think I do feel more confident on stage, especially with our band. We have such a powerful feminist message behind everything we say and who we are in general. Being women musicians it’s kind of a given, at least I think so. So having that message behind our music while we’re on stage brings that extra confidence that feels sincere and powerful. Claire: There are sometimes I feel more comfortable or confident on stage, there are sometimes I feel less. There are sometimes I feel more confident on stage and sometimes less confident. I think it just depends. Evangeline: I would, in general, say I’m more confident on stage except when you think of those times you do have a bad show, it does happen. Then it almost shatters your confidence. You’re up there then, ‘Oh fuck! What am I doing?’ It used to happen when we were younger and starting out, but now when we’ve got to that point we’ve become a lot tighter. Claire: I’ve had a lot of bad confidence shows where I’ve been like ‘Shit!’ Evangeline: Or sometimes you have a moment to yourself where you feel like your confidence disappears and you hit a wrong note or something. In general, I find it’s just definitely a more open space, less inhibited. I’m not thinking about things like, ‘How do I look? What are people thinking of me right now?’ I’m more just being myself in the moment and feeling happy. Emzy: It’s energizing, crazy energizing. You feel like, especially when the audience is feeding into it, you feel that energy and that can help your confidence for sure. Inspirational Songstress: Where does your strength come from to share your art? Evangeline: I would say from these two, my bandmates. Just because, we’ve known each other for so long. We’ve been through so much in terms of with the music and with each other, our friendships, changing as people. Just realizing the music is more for us, and we hope that other people can listen and connect to it, but it’s mostly for us and for each other. Claire: and feminism. Emzy: We write about things that are true to us, when I write about something honest then it feels like I almost have to say it. I want to share it with people because it’s our story and our experiences. Especially being women in a scene that is dominated by men, it personally gives me strength. Even when we weren’t very good musically, the fact that we were women in the music scene just felt like ‘We have to be here.’ If we discourage ourselves then that’s just wrong. Evangeline: This is where we have to take up space and where we can take up space literally, physically, but also with sound. Emzy: Fill up a room! With our voices singing, shrieking, yelling! Claire: Also overcoming. A lot of our songs are about really shitty times that we’ve gone through together. Or, one of us have gone though a shitty experience and the others have been there to support and grow. I feel like our strength comes from, I wanna say, even from the music itself and it’s a cycle of empowering each other. Emzy: When you sit down and write about something that made you feel like shit, you can bring something out of it that’s positive, it strengths you. Inspirational Songstress: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? Claire: I remember when I couldn’t drum along to a metronome at all, it just seemed impossible. I was like ‘I don’t know how drummers can do this. They’re all full of shit! You can’t actually drum along to a metronome.’ Then when we first recorded our EP and we decided to do it along to a metronome I had to just practice that way, it was so foreign to me. I don’t know if it was one day I was able to do it, or if one day I realized I was able to do it, now I feel like a robot. When I was able to drum along with a metronome that was one of those first moments of ‘Whoa I can do this!’ Emzy: Just practicing more in general. I wanna put my all in this instrument, my voice or bass playing. When you put the effort in it shines through with the results. You see it even after a few weeks, or a few months of practicing everyday or at least a few times a week. You see a huge difference, then you know your shit so you feel confident. Also, I personally really like singing. Singing is my real passion, I love bass playing too but, my voice is just so connected to my soul. That’s when I feel most confident, singing without even really thinking about technique. You just let yourself feel the emotion and let it feel exactly what you’re thinking. I like improvise singing so that’s where I feel most confident. Evangeline: I remember in particular, this one moment a couple years ago when we were playing at the Central. We were playing our song ‘Bloom’ which is a song that’s one of our more positive songs, not that they aren’t all positive, but especially musically it’s just a bit “happier”. Claire: I cry every time I play it. Evangeline: It’s a prettier song. I remember playing it, then all these girls in the audience were jumping up and down and singing it with us and they were singing “We are in bloom” with us. I almost wanted to cry on stage. I remember your (Claire) sister being there and being in the front. Emzy: There’s so many moments like that. Claire: I think a lot of those moments, going off of what you(Evangeline) said, they come when we get to play shows and we see people’s reactions. It’s so cute we have this little fan base, a lot of our family and friends, who have been with us from the start and they know all the lyrics. They have their favorite songs and the songs get stuck in their heads. It’s the best feeling. Inspirational Songstress: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? Evangeline: I picked it because I went here for my undergrad at U of T, University of Toronto. Em Zy went here as well. The time that I was here represented a time of great change in terms of individually as a band and as a friendship. I found it was a time we were growing, moving on from being high school teenagers when we first started out, and actually becoming young women. I learned a lot here too. I know that with the education system in general, there’s a lot you can say negative about it but my eyes were open here. I took Sexual Diversity studies as my minor and that’s when I really started to think about things in a different light and in a way I was never taught to think. Also, it’s just beautiful here and I like the way it represents Toronto in general because I think Toronto is important to us in term of our origins and who we are. Emzy: Critical thinking too. I took humanities courses, Philosophy, Sexual Diversities, and Sociology. I found all my courses were very critical of capitalism and societal norms in general, which I didn’t really expect from University. I learned a lot about the different ways that the system we live in is fucking many people over and that was very eye opening for sure. Inspirational Songstress: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? Emzy: Meditation, medication and music. I’ve meditated for about 4 or 5 years now. It’s defiantly something that’s come in and out of my life, and that has really helped me through every day things that I deal with like anxiety. Also, I’ve been on medication for depression for one year and that was a huge turn around for me. It really helped with the anxiety and depression that I was struggling with. Then music as well, singing about your struggles is something that again makes something negative into something positive. It also turns it into something understandable, tangible. You can feel empowered by your pain or your depression, through music. Claire: I find my biggest struggle is being a drummer and not feeling good enough. I’m constantly focusing on how I could do better, and I always compare myself up or down. I look at people who are better than me, other drummers, and it makes me feel really self confident. I do think it has to do with me being a female drummer because I constantly had people critiquing me and my drumming. Ever since I started, and to this day, I’ve experienced so much ‘mansplaning’. The biggest one is “Hit your drums harder.” Or just things like people telling me how to drum, especially people we aren’t drummers which I find just ridiculous. I think that comes from me being a female, and I often think men who pick up the drums and are shit they still have confidence. People see them as ‘Whoa you play the drums!’ Same as guitarists, men who pick up a guitar and can be shit but, you play a guitar so that’s a bonus. Where as females, I feel like it’s this ‘you have to prove yourself, you have to prove you’re good.’ So I struggle with that but, I defiantly think that being aware of that helps. The ones who give me the most critic about my drumming I kinda laugh at them because it’s so obviously a ‘mansplaing’ thing. Evangeline: To put it simply, my biggest battle in keeping my confidence up I find is in day to day life when I sometimes get caught up in really unimportant things like watching Netflix all day. Or when I feel like there’s a bit of a pressure, especially being out of school, to be focusing on some sort of special job. I find that I might get caught up in worrying about that stuff instead of worrying about what’s important, which for me is the music and playing music. Not getting too down on myself on not having some sort of 9-5 job that’s making me an income so I can get a mortgage and stuff. That’s stuff has been on my mind a lot cause it’s getting at that age. Claire: And our friends are starting to get married! It’s actually scary! Inspirational Songstress: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? Claire: The audience. Emzy: Sounding fucking good. Claire: Watching people respond to our music is a big one. Evangeline: I really like when we connect on stage, because sometimes you get really in your little bubble and you’re facing the audience so you are very focused on that. I like when we have these little moments where we’re in our zone together. Claire: When we’re really vibe’n. Inspirational Songstress: Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. Evangeline: I was thinking musician, Emily Kokal from Warpaint. She’s the guitarist and one of the main singers. I think she’s so badass and I love everything she does. She does no wrong for me, and Warpaint too the band in general is just my ultimate inspiration. Emzy: I have four older ladies that really inspire me. My mom for one, she’s just really a strong person. She’s very patient, even though she maybe thinks she isn’t. She had my brother when she was 23 and was just finishing up university so I don’t know how the hell you do that! Also my vocal teacher who is amazing and very inpiring. Also my ex boyfriend’s mom who introduced me to mediation, she’s a really good friend of mine. I’m not really friends with my ex boyfriend but I’m really good friends with her. As well as my current boyfriend’s mom is really really cool, she can find the positives in every situation and it’s really inspiring to see someone like that. It’s easy to be negative sometimes and to just concentrate on those negatives. Even when you’re in a negative situation there is always positives to see. Claire: I’m inspired by these girls. I’m sure you guys feel the same? All: Yes! Claire: I think we all inspire each other which is nice. I’m also really inspired right now by my sister, my younger sister. She’s so confident and fearless and she just does whatever the fuck she wants. I wish I could be that fearless. It’s crazy she’s younger than me. Evangeline: I think that’s the thing with youngers siblings. Inspirational Songstress: What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music? Emzy: I developed depression in the last two years or so, it just came on suddenly. I was a pretty happy go lucky person, didn’t really care about what people thought too much especially throughout high school. I didn’t really care. Then after high school, a few years ago something switched in my brain. I got really bad anxiety to the point where I was suicidal, it was really hard. It defiantly hurt the music in a lot of ways cause with depression comes jealousy and other really shitty emotions that get in the way of your interactions with your friends. So for Nikki Fierce, I was ready to quit almost because I was like ‘I can’t handle this.’ When you’re in a band with amazing women it’s hard to feel equal to them when you’re feeling shitty in general. Then at the same time the depression really pushed me in a way to develop my music elsewhere. So me and my current partner started making music together, I was singing a lot and I started taking singing lessons and dance lessons and bass lessons and piano lessons. I really delved into music more and that helped with the depression a lot. It made me able to express myself though the art. It helped and it hindered in a lot of ways. Claire: When I was 19 I went though a really toxic abusive relationship. At the time it really hindered the band, and now I would say our music and our friendship and bond has grown so much stronger because in a way we all went through it together. Even though it was me in that toxic relationship they were with me during that time and they were suffering as well. That was a really rough time, but I feel like a big part of why our music is the way it is now is because during that healing process we wrote so many songs about that. Emzy: Specifically ‘My Shadow’ and ‘Without Thorns’. Claire: And ‘Poison’, a lot of the fucking songs had to do with that time in our lives. Emzy: It defiantly made us stronger as a band together going though that, and getting through it. The process of getting though it was really hard but knowing that we would be together and push through it and stick together though it made us stronger. Claire: It just goes to show because of what we went though, with your (Emzy) depression and my really shitty ex boyfriend, I think we’re so much stronger. Because if we went thought that, every fight we have it’s something in the moment, but we can get though anything. We’re powerful in that way. Emzy: I think a lot of bands break up from each other because of petty things sometimes, or at least I’ve heard stories. At this point we know we can get through it because we’ve been through so much. We just talk it out, and some times we’ll fight with each other but we know it wont last. Claire: We’re more than friends, we’re more than a band we’re family at this point. Evangeline: They summed it up haha. Inspirational Songstress: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? Evangeline: Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think that, like Claire was saying with being a female drummer, having people come up to you and criticize you more then they might a male musician. I’ve experienced that too after a show people coming up to me saying what they like but, “Oh you could do this, you could do that!” Or walking into a music store and feeling pretty awkward and all these guys basically wanking off on their guitars and being like, ‘I don’t wanna be here.’ Getting beyond that and just fuck it, fuck that. Claire: I always get scared to go into the drumming room, but they’re always so nice and I don’t expect it. For them to treat me like a drummer. They don’t treat me like a woman, they treat me like a drummer it’s so weird! Emzy: That’s good, you should expect that. Claire: I know but at this point I don’t. Another thing to remember as a female musician, and I’m more speaking on behalf of myself, I contently compare myself to others and especially female musicians who are more successful. I was just talking to my friend the other day about success and how relative it is. I want to be happy for women who are doing well in the music scene, I don’t want to be jealous. So that’s something to remember. Emzy: Have fun, inspire yourself and your friends. It’s not a competition so just do your best and be positive with your own musical growth and each other, like other women who are potentially better than you or you think are better than you. Just be happy with their growth because that could be you eventually. You’re not Beyoncé so just be yourself. Inspirational Songstress: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? Emzy: Be patient. Everything comes and goes, even pain and sadness just watch how they change and try not to be afraid. Use this awareness to get to know yourself but not judge yourself. Patient cause again everything comes and goes. Pain will come, you’ll have a shitty break up or you’ll just randomly get depressed for no reason. It happens, just watch it and if you need help seek help but you don’t have to be afraid. Claire: This is so cheesy but it’s so true. You deserve to be happy. It’s so true though, or you deserve better don’t sell yourself short. Inspirational Songstress: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings?
Emzy: Just feel it, read the lyrics cause they’re really important. Interpret them in ways they relate to you. If we can start a girl band from scratch you can too. We were losers in high school, Evangeline knew how to play guitar but me and Claire didn’t know how to play our instruments at all. We didn’t have a lot of confidence and needed something to feel good or we’re cool, we’re not just random people. Having a secret girl band just felt awesome. Evangeline: I do really hope people will actually listen to the music. I hope that especially men, if they listen to our lyrics that they’ll actually take it in and hear what we’re saying. It’s the same thing with what’s happening right now with the ‘Me Too’ movement and ‘Times Up.’ A lot of people are just talking over each other and I think it’s the point that we need to listen. I just hope that’s what people will do. Claire: And not be so defensive. That might not go along with music, now I’m just thinking about the ‘Me Too’ movement. Inspirational Songstress: No, I think it’s very relevant and also relevant with this project because it’s all about female empowerment. Inspirational Songstress: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? Emzy: Try music, pick up an instrument or something to express your pain or feelings of inadequacy or social pressure. Singing, playing an instrument, writing lyrics, writing poetry, any art in general is a really good way of expressing that. Even if you don’t give it to anyone else, just do it for yourself to explore that shitty feeling. It’s a good way to just kind of work with it and understand it more. Also try meditation, you can go to tergar.org for mediation guides. It’s an online course that I really like. If you’re experiencing anxiety or depression, ask your doctor about treatment. Ask your doctor about medication or therapy, just your regular pediatrician, is the person to go to for that. It’s a medical problem it’s not just something you should weather on your own or dismiss as something you can go through. Seek help if you need it. Claire: Going off of that; I hope that people who I’m giving advice to, I hope that you can find friends that you feel comfortable talking too about your feelings. Evangeline: I also feel like, especially for young women like teenagers, just get off your phone sometimes. Get away from the constant barrage of social media, your Instagram, your Facebook. Comparing yourself to others, that’s a really easy way to lose confidence and be really hard on yourself. That’s in terms of physical stuff but it really does effect your emotional health. Just travel, get out there, get away from the city sometimes it actually can help so much to get away from it all turn your phone off for a day. Go out with your friends, or go camping or something. Just take yourself out of it sometimes Emzy: Take up Hula Hooping. Hula Hooping’s sick. Claire: I’m going to give advice to older women, listen to younger women. Have conversations and try to get on the same page because I think there’s such a divide between younger and older women. I don’t think it should be like that. Emzy: It helps knowing older women than you understanding 1, the aging process and 2, how badass you can be when you’re older and 3, be inspired by women who know so much more than you. So if you’re young talk to older women if you’re older talk to younger women. Claire: It’s so obvious you can learn from older women but I think, I know it’s not that big of an age difference, even my younger sister I learn so much from her. You learn so much in the experiences that your living with day to day. Emzy: Young people being brought up especially in a time where we are awakening to social norms and social issues that are so engraved in our society. They are growing up already understanding the things that our generation had to figure out, so I think a lot of people are throwing things like gender norms out the window, which is really great. So we can learn from the younger generation, how free you can really be in the world that is coming. Claire: This is the last question we should leave it with something really powerful. Evangeline: Change is coming! What is it that Oprah said? Emzy: Be the change you want to see in the world! Inspirational Songstress: Just be more like Oprah haha. Claire: But also be critical of Oprah haha. When i first started this project i always had this cool thought of getting a bunch of the girls i interviewed together for a live show. I never thought i'd get around to it or something would stop it from happening, but earlier this month it all came together. The point of the night was to put a bunch of bad ass confident ladies onstage together to make some beautiful music. On the 8th of December at the Cavern Bar in Toronto, these 4 Inspirational Songstress' hit the stage for a night of intimate feminine positive music. Having these ladies share their wisdom with everyone via this project has been incredible. We also got to raise a little money for Nellie's which is a women's shelter in Toronto. So i decided to document this night and share it with all of you. I'd like to thank everyones support for this project and i can't wait to see where it goes in 2018! Kate SloanKate blows my mind. It's been a while since i've seen her perform live but it didn't take me long to remember why i loved seeing her perform. Her lyrical honesty always makes me want to tell everyone i know everything i've ever done. Her quirky, heartfelt performance was the best way to start off the night. Kaleidoscope HorseThese two beautiful women are one of the main reasons i decided to start this project. Their confidence and power over people via their music, inspired me to want to make people as empowered as they make me. They killed the night. Missy BaumanEvery time i see Missy i leave with something different. This time i left feeling free and a bit more positive. When Missy is onstage nothing else matters and everything is possible. Everyone who's wronged me in the past or will wrong me in the future is inferior. She was the perfect close to an incredible night.
The first time I came into contact with Olivia and the Creepy Crawlies was 2 or 3 years ago at the Bovine Sex Club during indie week. At the time I was a social media volunteer and was there to cover a friend’s band as well as the whole show. When they took the stage I went from waiting for my friend’s band to finally play, to locked into focus with the performers on stage. Every song felt like a twist or turn into a new journey that I couldn’t help but shimmy too. I don’t normally dance at shows that I’m attending by myself but I really couldn’t stand still. After their performance I asked their name for clarification for Indie Weeks’ social media but it was more so I could look them up later. Since then I’ve followed them on Facebook, seeing them grow travel and start their world domination. When I created this project they were one of the bands that came to my mind. I thought back to that night and how much I generally enjoyed their performance but also the vibe of the band. They were also highly recommended by a few of our past Inspirational Songstress’. On one of the first cold days of November, I sat down with lead vocalist/ukulele player Olivia and drummer Aurora in Olivia’s bedroom where I asked them these questions… Inspirational Songstress: How would you describe your music? Olivia: We get asked this a lot. I feel like I’m always struggling to find the exact thing. I guess we’ve been calling it folk pop. I’d say with some fairly heavy old timey vibes, some country flair recently. Aurora: People like to call it whimsical. It’s a descriptive word we find in many write ups about us. O: I feel like in every single write up it says ‘quirky folk’ somewhere. We’ve been pretty much calling it folk pop. I’m personally really influenced by a lot of old music; a lot of old country is my main jam. I find it leaks its way into the writing too, as of late. A: In my opinion the lyrics are intricate like a folk song, but then some of the hooks are catchy like a pop song. IS: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? A: Confidence for me is when you’re doing something that you worked hard for and you feel good about doing it. You feel like you’re happy with yourself and your performing and you feel like everyone else is happy with what you’re doing. It reflects on your performance because it shows in your energy. O: It’s like being totally happy doing something that you love. For me confidence is also, if we’re talking more in a physical sense, really focusing on being kind to my body and to myself- that lets me gain a lot of confidence. Just feeling good. IS: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? O: Defiantly for me, onstage. I used to get really nervous before performing, but now I don’t really think about it anymore it kind of just happens. Especially when I get really into a song I’m singing and I’m feeling super emotionally connected. I kind of forget, not my band, but that the audience is there. I forget everything else is there. It puts me in this totally free state. That’s where I feel most confident. A: For me, definitely on stage as well. Off stage you have more time to stir and think about your parts, technique and motion. When you’re on stage you’re like ‘This is it! There’s people here, they seem to be enjoying it!” It’s really more so the people that give that sort of comfortable feeling. We’ve been lucky enough that we’ve never been booed on stage, that’s nice. No one’s ever been like ‘You Suck!’ Thank god. We generally get more positive feedback from the audience, but of course constructive criticism comes around, which is useful if you don’t take it too personally. O: Ya we’re pretty blessed to feed off of each others energy and to feed off of everybody’s energy. That’s a really nice thing IS: There’s nothing worse than a dead crowd. The one guy in the back’s feeling it but everybody else is like cool, I’m here for the next band haha A: We’ve defiantly had dead crowds but no one’s ever been like ‘Well that sucked’ haha. No one’s ever boo’d us off, I’ve never felt bad about that. IS: Where does your strength come from to share your art? O: I guess for me writing the songs, my strength comes from me being so emotionally connected to the lyrics. Most of my songs are extremely personal, almost all of them are autobiographical or about certain moments in my life. Where I’ve been crazy happy, or crazy sad. I think that’s where it comes from for me, cause song writing is an extremity cathartic experience I find and it feels good for me to sometimes get those things off my chest. I feel proud, and I want to share these feelings with people around me. Maybe there are people who are feeling them too or they need to hear this at this point in their lives. That’s where I get that from. A: Maybe not such an emotional answer for myself. I don’t write lyrics. I play the drums so my strength would come from a different viewpoint or inspiration. My family is super supportive so that gives me strength to do what I do. My brother kind of taught me the simple start of drums which got me going. Seeing other bands I’ll think ‘I want to do what that band does. I need to get better at what I’m doing.’ IS: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? O: I think I would have been about 4 or 5 years old. The song ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Céline Dion was my jam, this was my song. I felt like this song is written for me, this song was made for me. I used to stand at the top of my stairs in my house in Guelph and just belt this song out at the top of my lungs. No matter what time it was, if it was first thing in the morning or when I should have been in bed I was just standing there belting this song. I think I peaked back then to be honest haha. I think that was my peak and it’s just all down hill now. My sister would be like ‘Shut up! I’m trying to sleep! I’m going to squash you like a pancake!” I just didn’t care I was like ‘you know what? I’m doing my thing and you guys are gonna listen because this is my song.’ I think that was defiantly my most confident moment. A: Probably in high school, which ironically was the time I had zero confidence in any other category. Being a girl drummer had its advantages, with the stereotypical response at that age being ‘Oh a girl drummer! I didn’t know girls could play drums!’ I’ll get that on occasion these days, not as often as I’m sure it was for females a decade or two ago. It’s definitely getting better. I always just have to assume they’re ignorant. But in high school I grew up in Oshawa, which is metal city. I hung out with all the metal heads in high school. With the excitement of being a female drummer, I’d get invited out to jams. Even though I wasn’t very skilled at that point. It was flattering though and definitely brought encouragement and confidence my way. I was always like; people want to play music with me. That’s so awesome. And that was probably the start of it for me. IS: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? O: This is my place. I spend so much time here horizontal with my ukulele in hand just playing my favorite songs. Ive been keeping a journal for so many years, thoughts and emotions are poured out here, I pretty much eat all my meals here. It’s obviously such a comfortable place for me. Full of all my teachers and all my favorite things. Had some happy times in here, had some not so happy times in here. It feels like a place that’s totally mine. I pretty much write all my songs in my room. It’s the place where I feel most like me I guess. IS: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? A: For me it’s my own mind. If I’m playing a show and I feel like I didn’t perform very well, I instantly lose confidence. Despite audience members applauding my efforts, in my head I’m thinking ‘that sucked, I messed up all these parts. I brought the band in the wrong direction for this. What a bummer.’ So to not put myself so down after a messy show is what I would say. You have to learn from those mistakes. Not hating on myself when I miss a beat. It’s going to happen and hopefully it doesn’t happen often. When it does don’t beat yourself up over it. O: I totally agree. To add onto that as a songwriter, writers block is such a big one for my confidence. I have these periods where I won’t write a song for three to six months, and the entire time I’m sitting there thinking ‘I’m shit, I’m never going to write a song again.’ Everything I try to write I think ‘this is garbage’, I throw out so much. That’s a really big one for me. I guess the way I combat that is, if I’m going though a period or if I’m having writers block I’ll still write down every single little lyrical idea that I have. Even if it’s just two lines or a little piece of something. Then I’ll go back maybe about a month later and revisit my phone memo’s or revisit my song book and sometimes I’ll actually be able to draw inspiration from those little one liners I’ve written. Sometimes I’ll be able to build a song out of that which is super cool. I’ll be able to revisit a chorus I wasn’t able to write a good verse for and that’s a really cool thing. Making something good out of those things that I thought ‘This is horrible!’ Sometimes to revisit it with a fresh mind really helps. Writers block sucks! Sometimes if I tell myself ‘Oh you have writers block!’ it makes it worse. It creates more barriers in my mind and it’s like, don’t say it don’t say those words. IS: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? A: My strength. Unleashing onto the drums can be such an adrenalin rush. As lame as that sounds, that’s my answer. Just hitting the drums, it’s a physical strength. it’s not a mental strength. Most of our songs are pretty light, but we also have some heavy hitters where it’s appropriate to hit the drums, hard. O: I really don’t wanna sound cheesy and I try not to. It’s my voice, it’s being able to share my songs with people, share my thoughts and feelings about things. Being able to convey the messages that I want to convey on stage, that makes me feel pretty powerful. Being able to belt out these songs that came from inside my brain is pretty nuts. It’s a pretty cool feeling. That and wearing a real awesome outfit, that makes me feel pretty powerful. If I pick out a cool outfit I know I look really cool, that makes me feel good! IS: Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. A: Courtney Barnett. She’s my favourite in the world! Her songs are so different from any songs I’ve ever heard. It’s almost like she’s not singing in her songs, it’s like she’s having a conversation with you, and that’s really cool. She also plays her guitar without a pick AND left handed so everything she does is way too cool and I love it. I play guitar as well but it’s not my main instrument. Her style tends to rub off on me. O: I love that stream of consciousness that she does where she’s just kinda rambling. My main women’s Patsy Cline. My lady. I love her so much, she’s so cool and she was so committed to her art and I love that. There are videos of her and stories about her performing on stage and being so into what she was singing and so connected, that she would just break down into tears onstage. Apparently it would happen like all the time, and I think that’s so cool to be so emotionally connected. Also, Angel Olsen, I love her. I find she has this thing where her voice can sound super raw and super powerful at the same time. It’s a really cool ability she has. A: I thought you were going to say Feist. O: Oh ya I do love Feist, I really do. I think maybe 4 or 5 years ago I would have been like Feist hands down. I’m not saying I don’t love her, but I think since growing up and discovering old country music… IS: You’re in a different part of your life. Feist helped you when you were in that point of your life and now you’re in a different section of your life. O: Ya! I’m growing! IS:What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music? A: One time I started jamming with a new band I wanted to be a part of, but after a couple weeks I was replaced. I was like ‘FUCK!’ I really wanted to be a part of that. Everything was fine though. I’m actually in a band with half those guys now anyways. It did suck though, I had told my folks already and then a couple weeks went by and it was no longer something I was a part of. There were a few things that factored into it. During a prime time I got sick and I disappeared for a day and then the next day I just never heard back from them. It was during college and I had found another project to be a part of a week later which was nice. It was with some great friends and it was still a lot of fun. Not something I’m a part of anymore, actually it’s not something that exists anymore. IS: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? A: Not to identify yourself as a female musician, you’re just a musician. Don’t categorise yourself that way as if it’s less significant. O: Your career and what you’re doing is valid and important. There’s no need to call ourselves like, female drummers. A: A man would never say ‘I’m a male drummer! We’re in a male band! I’m a male guitar player!’ No it’s, I’m a drummer, I’m in a band, I’m a guitar player. I’ve never really thought about it like that, I don’t say I’m a chick drummer I just say I’m a drummer. But other people will say that to describe who I am. O: I feel like it’s important to remember that you’re competent. I find experiences where I felt like talked down too. Almost in a you’re a child kind of way. IS: Especially tech stuff. You try to touch something and they’re like um it’s ok O: We went to school for this shit! The being talked down to thing is so frustrating. It’s like look, I’m not a child I’m not dumb I know what I’m doing. We’ve been a band for four years I think we know what we’re doing, I’ve been singing for 15 years. It almost feels like they wouldn’t question it if you were a guy. A: We practice in a paid space every week. Often when just the girls show up first they’ll check in to see if we need help. O: They’ll check like ‘do you need anything?’ A: I can plug a chord in! If we need help we’ll ask. I like to do all my heavy lifting myself. It’s a pride thing. When people offer to help or just help out of good will I do appreciate it so much. I don’t so much enjoy the lifting, but I do certainly take pride in being responsible for myself. Insert independent woman quote here. *Snaps fingers* IS: It’s like, I’ve paid a lot of money for this amp or this piece of equipment and if I mess this up I wanna mess this up myself. A: I appreciate the help, but I feel better about myself when I just do it, because I can. O: It’s your gear. IS: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? A: I used to post drum covers on YouTube. One of them in particular hit it big with over 1 million views. This was great, but if you scroll down to the comments, that’s where it hurts. Lots of pretty gross comments about my appearance, keeping in mind that I was a 15 year old child, essentially. And then between those comments you’d have the people commenting about how bad the performance was etc. It’s tough to not let the trolls get to you. Looking back I would just tell myself that none of those people matter. I’ll most likely never see any of them face to face, and they’ll most likely be cowards behind their screens for the rest of their lives, so I’ve got them beat there. O: I feel like I would tell myself something that my mom always says to me but did not sync in at the time, or would not have sunk in. My mom always tells me the pendulums gotta swing, so if times seem really bad she always tells me it’s always going to swing back to being ok. I don’t know if that sounds hokey or not but that’s it honestly. Thinking about that now with the knowledge I have now I defiantly would tell myself, listen to that don’t be like ‘no that doesn’t make sense that’s not going to happen.’ I would tell myself, listen to your mother. Because it’s true, it’s always a balance. I find whenever things get really bad it always seems to spring back up again. It’s weird, it seems really weird. IS: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? A: I’m here to play some drums! Love it or hate it! Haha O: I love it! What I was gonna say is not that cool! Haha. I was gonna say, have a cup of tea and relax. Cause honestly from the get go when I first started writing songs when I was a lot younger, I was like ‘I wanna make music that people can drink tea to!’ This is my goal. I want people to be able to sit, have a nice cup of tea what ever your favorite tea is for me it’s earl grey, and just feel relaxed and feel happy. A: Our answers are so different, but different because you’re more emotionally attached to the songs with them bring your words. Where as I am the musician who plays to your songs. IS: I don’t know. I think when I sing backup or when I do back up things, I think it’s just as powerful as the person that wrote the song. You attribute so much, especially as the drummer, you attribute so much to the mood and the feeling and the vibe and the stance of the song. If the drummer is off everyone knows it, and that’s it everyone’s done. O: Man Aurora you’re the heart beat! It’s so important. IS: You can build it up or you can break it down. O: And you do such cool shit, you and your bells. IS: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? O: One of the first points I’ll make, you can never own too many floral dresses. No matter what people say. That’s kind of a joke but also serious. Is: If that’s where you derive your confidence from, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. A: Mine is more cliché, don’t hold back on just being who you are. As lame as that sounds. Especially growing up, going through high school I tried so many different faces, trying a different image constantly to try and fit in. Eventually I just had to tell myself to like stop brushing my hair and wear those ripped jeans for crying out loud. That’s what I wanted to do, so I should just do it. By the time you get to college, or are out of college, you’ll find your niche and who mesh’s with you and who doesn’t and by that point no one else matters and nothing else matters. The end. O: As long as you’re happy right? It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. A: Its harder when you’re younger for sure. Though when you’re older it can also be difficult if you haven’t quite figured yourself out yet. When you’re younger it’s hard because there’s so much peer pressure when you’re around 1000 people everyday at school and you don’t know what to do. You want to try to fit in and have 20,000 friends and what not but in the end you’re not going to be happy unless your doing what you want to do, and being who you want to be sort of thing. O: I also wanna add as a piece of advice, if you’re giving your bangs a trim and you accidently cut them too short, just ride it out. Rock it! Give it two weeks and they’re gonna be right where you want them. Don’t let that ruin your life, ‘cause that’s happened to me before where I gave myself a trim and they ended up like up here. It’s not the end of the world, hair grows back. IS: I totally get that. Hair is super important for my confidence, the colour and cut. I can’t have short hair. A: I just cut all my hair off a month ago. My hair was long for as long as I can remember, I’ve never had short hair. IS: Do you like it? A: I like it cause it’s super easy to manage, if I was younger I would totally hate it cause I’d be like ‘I’m a mushroom!’ I kind of teared up a little bit, but I was like ‘pull yourself together! It’s just hair!’ IS: It’s such a security blanket. O: I’m the exact opposite. If I’m feeling crappy I’ll give myself a hair cut. If I’m feeling crappy I’m like my hairs too long, I could go shorter. Find out more about Olivia and the Creepy Crawlies on their website: https://www.oliviaandthecreepycrawlies.com
It’s amazing how small the music community can be, and how often we can all be connected by one person. That’s how I met sisters Liv & Anita of the Lifers. In the classic friend of a friend situation, we stared showing up at the same shows, realizing we knew the same people. Eventually Liv (and her boyfriend/bandmate Braden) became roommates with 2 of my best friends. Liv came home during the tail end of my photo shoot with our first Inspirational Songstress Missy Bauman, I knew then that I had to have her band The Lifers in this project. The first time I heard their music I was taken away. Their vocals flowed together in a way that made my soul soft. With the addition of the band behind them, their sound is pushed to a new level. Performing as a duo or a band, it doesn’t matter because the core intention and idea is the same. Their words are what really ground their music and what drew me in the most. With a LP and EP under their belt, and a new album on the way, these Guelph natives are planned to take over the world. During this interview I got to listen to two strong women with more than just a passion for music, but a calling. No matter where life has taken them they always come back to music and stick by their beliefs. So on a beautiful fall day in October at Anita’s living room in Toronto, I sat and asked them these questions… Inspirational Songstress: How would you describe your music? Liv: The simplest way that we describe it to people is, ‘art folk-rock.’ Anita: Sometimes I get really caught off guard because I haven’t formulated a nice elevator pitch for what we sound like. Part of the reason why is because it varies so much depending on if we’re just performing as a duo, or if we’re performing as the whole band. Liv: The essence though is our voices together, that’s what’s constant no matter what we’re playing. I think that’s what people enjoy about our music regardless of whether it’s as a band or as a duo. Anita: The other good descriptor of our music is ‘dynamic.’ Someone today was sharing a post of ours and kind of coined us “the most dynamic band in Ontario”. There’s a big range of emotion, and a big range of sound both in volume and in terms of complexity of the arrangements. IS: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? Liv: Confidence is feeling like being myself is the right way to be. Anita: Going off of that, I think confidence is also that feeling of doing something and knowing that you’re doing the right thing. Liv: Confidence isn’t about being correct or incorrect, it’s about standing by your belief in what you’re doing. Anita: When what you’re doing is true to who you are, and you’re happy about that, then I think that’s good. IS: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? Liv: Most of the time I feel more confident on stage. It’s funny because I used to have stage fright, and on occasion it comes back to me if there’s a certain person in the audience that I really look up to. Often if it’s someone that I really look up to, I want to show them that I care about what I’m doing as much as I hope that they do. On stage, I can be myself and I can share and experience with people in the most authentic way as it can be for me. Anita: The same goes for me. When I’m performing I am emoting in the truest way, but it still has this mask of a song or a performance. I’m more free to express the things that I’m feeling or the things that I’ve felt before. I can express that without any barriers, I can just yell or cringe my body and move in a way that totally relates to what I’m trying to say. That’s the most powerful way for me to communicate. Liv: Another layer of that for me is in a social situation - I consider performing a social situation because there are many people there - being on stage is comfortable for me. In a non social situation I’m just as comfortable just being around Anita or being around the other people in the band. I’m just as comfortable being around that, as being with them on stage. Anita: I am comfortable on stage, but there’s a difference between that kind of comfort and being in my bedroom, or being in this apartment… Liv: In pajamas! Anita: Sitting on my couch drinking tea, it’s a different kind of thing. But somehow they both warm my heart in such a way, and they need to both exist in my life. If I didn’t have the one I would just drink a lot more tea - haha. IS: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? Liv: Something that just popped into my brain, was when Anita and I performed with our old high school band at the Guelph Multicultural Festival. We performed a song that we both felt pretty empowered to play and it was, I think, the first time we played it live. By the end of the song when it got to this euphoric part, I think it was the first time that I fully lost myself on stage and realized ‘Oh that’s why I’m wanting to perform. That’s why this is important to me.’ Is that the same moment for you? Anita: That’s defiantly one of them. After performing that tune, both of us were kind of triggered to think ‘I have to make that moment happen all the time and I have to write things that make that moment happen.’ When you have that moment of getting lost in what you’re doing and not having to think about what you’re doing, it’s just happening in you as a bodily instinct. I’m not sure if it’s confidence, or just purity. I’ve had a lot of moments when I’m performing and I stop thinking for a little while, then I click back in like ‘Oh we’re here in the song now, I was just in another place.’ IS: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? Anita: I think right now, how our musical endeavours have been taking us, a lot of the time that we spend as a band is here. Liv: A lot of important conversations have been had on this couch, with the band and just you and I. Anita: Being in Toronto it can be a little chaotic, but this place is the one place where it doesn’t matter where we are geographically. We’re just in this little house. Liv: I think for you, too, it’s a place that you can have control. Even when you were saying before that you like to have a clean house with the dishes done, you have the power to do that in your own space. That makes you feel comfortable, and that makes me feel comfortable. Anita: Absolutely. To have my things here and have them stay here… this is actually the first apartment that I’ve had in Toronto that I’ve lived in for more than a year. This is my second year living here. The idea sparked for our tune ‘Front Door’ last fall when I was walking down my street here. I was admiring the autumn colours, smells and the feeling of this neighbourhood in the fall. I just started thinking ‘I wonder if I’m going to see and experience this again, or if this is the only time I’m going to be living in this spot with this season happening around me.’ Here I am now, I’m still here. Liv: You feel more grounded. Anita: Yes, it is very grounding to have things in their places. I find a lot of comfort in objects that I’ve carried with me through the different places that I’ve lived in. That is the only constant thing that I have access to despite moving around. Different things have come to me at different times. That kitchen table is from when we were growing up, when we were babies our parents had that table and now it’s here. The desk is from when I was a kid, I did my homework on that since I was 9. Liv: The sewing machine, the chair… Anita: Yes, the chair was at our Nonna’s house. Then other things like these things (artworks) I made a couple years ago. These curtains, I had with me when I first moved to Toronto. Things that hold memories and stories are very comforting for me. It’s nice that I have some things in here that are from a time when we lived together as well. At home growing up, but also when Liv and I lived together for a year in Toronto. You can probably speak to it more, Liv, but that could be a thing that helps you connect to the space even thought it’s not where you’re living right now. Liv: Ya for sure. For me the thing that makes me comfortable being here is the fact that you’re comfortable with me being here. There have been times when you haven’t been comfortable with me being in your space. I feel like when that’s broken down, then it’s just perfect. I think the other place that I would have chosen, which just didn’t make sense geographically, was if we could do this interview at our family’s cottage. When I’m there, it’s definitely the most comfortable I am, or I ever will be. IS: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? Liv: On a non musical level, in terms of my body confidence, I try to push my body confidence in different ways. I think the first thing I did was I stopped shaving my arm pits, ‘cause I was like ‘enough of this!’ I think you (Anita) started to let yours go first then I was like ‘enough of this I’m going to let this grow out.’ At first I was mentally preparing myself, like I know I’m going to be pretty uncomfortable about people seeing this at first. Through the multiple times of having that panicky moment to myself, I wouldn’t lift my arms up or whatever. Now I don’t even care anymore, ‘cause it’s just the way my body is and I’m ok with that. Then I stopped shaving my legs. That kinda thing pushes my confidence I feel, cause it forcing me to get over something I should be ok with in the first place. Something that stops me from achieving more confidence, is: a lot of the times it’s the expectations that are upon women, and have been upon women, for a long time. That’s the main thing for me. Also some times because I’m under 25 and a professional in the industry, I feel that my age plays a roll in how people interact with me and I want to show them that’s not a factor. So sometimes if I’m talking to someone who seems like they care about something like that, I feel less confident. That’s a barrier right now. Hearing both positive and constructive feedback from people that I respect musically, really makes a difference with my confidence. I think it makes more of an impact when they say something constructive. It makes me feel like they were really listening and they care enough to say “You were doing something great, but it can be better.” And I really respect the fact that someone can believe in someone enough to give them that feedback. Anita: I think for me musically, I find I get confidence from performing for people and seeing them enjoy it, and hearing from them that they felt something. I get a bit worried if I’m performing for someone I know from a different context of my life, and they haven’t seen me perform before. There’s a certain vulnerability that comes from doing that, from showing this different side of yourself to someone else. When I’m performing I get distracted like ‘oh this persons watching me and they don’t really know this side of me’, but afterwards I feel like it’s so much better and we have a better understanding of each other. At least they have a better understanding of me, and that makes me feel good because I can express myself more to them in other ways. Then I guess more personally, I struggle a lot with change. With feeling like I’m not in control of my situation. So being in a band and doing this whole music thing, many times I’m confronted with a situation that I don’t have any control over. So I end up kindof crawling into myself a little bit, and I don’t really deal with things very well in that kind of a scenario. So it ends up hurting people around me and therefore that makes me not feel good at all. I think the more that I do things the more I get used to that, and there’s nothing I can really do to have perfect control of situations. If we’re on tour, there’s going to be unknown factors on a daily basis. So I’m always practicing dealing with that and also finding ways of communicating what makes me struggle. Also, communicating more effectively and efficiently can just makes everyone’s lives a little better. IS: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? Liv. I find power in the changes between loud and quiet, and the changes between the emotions that happen. Taking people through that journey, I find super empowering. I can tell when they’re really riding it. Anita: I think for me, especially when we’re playing with the band, I’m able to just wreak havoc on my guitar ha ha. Liv: Hair flips! Anita: Yes! And just banging the heck outta my guitar, not in a bad way, just in a heavy strumming way. Having that in sync with the drums and everything else that’s going on. Having that heaviness, it makes me feel stronger than I am. I think it’s the combination of sound and music. I find, too, my hair moving is a big thing that connects me to what I’m doing. Your body moves then your hair moves in response to that. Liv: It’s like you’re taking it for a ride ha ha. IS: Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. Liv: Feist. Anita: I was just going say that. Liv: She’s number one for many reasons, but I feel like she is able to express herself so perfectly and powerfully. I feel empowered by listening to her music and watching her play, because of the way that she can move with her music and move other people with it. Anita: I think she’s able to capture that emotion and movement and sound and performance all in one. Liv: She seems to be very herself, it doesn’t seem like she’s trying to be anyone but her. IS: I think that’s a big Canadian thing vs some American artists. Very folky Canadians feel like ‘Oh we’re just here playing music; hope you like it.” Anita: Also I find it really empowering to watch her and to know this is a Canadian woman who is rocking out and has found her niche. And is able to have such a big influence on people and remain humble. She doesn’t flaunt her fame, she’s just doing her thing. Liv: I think another person who does this is Sarah Harmer. I really look up to her. She also uses her music as a platform for people to understand her environmental beliefs and kind of join her in that journey. I also find that empowering. IS: What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music?Anita: I think for me it’s been my struggle with mental health. For a really long time - basically forever - I’ve struggled with anxiety and it’s impacted my ability to just want to run freely into the arms of music and performance. When we were performing with our high school band I had a lot of trouble. It wasn’t that I was afraid of performing, I was just nervous about being in new places I wasn’t familiar with, or being with new people I wasn’t familiar with. So a lot of the times if we were trying to book a show I would just say “I don’t want do it”. Every time we would play would be so difficult for me to get myself through. Once I was actually performing I felt really good - it was the lead up, even afterwards but especially the lead up. The process of getting there and getting our stuff there. It really made me not want to do it, but performing made me want to keep working through things. I think similar things still hold me back now. I still struggle at some points more than others. Especially while we were on tour, I found it difficult to have time to myself and decompress and kind of reset myself after a show or after a few shows. Sometimes that makes me really want to run away from doing all this. Sometimes I think ‘Why am I putting myself through this? This is hard and I could just not do it.” At the same I can’t not do it. Because I struggle, sometimes I’m more hesitant towards committing myself to performing or to music as a whole. There’s this whole other side to doing this musical project with Liv. This project is about both of us, so sometimes Liv is a lot more ready and eager to make plans, for playing more shows and things like that. A lot of the times I’m more hesitant and I fear that I’m holding her back from doing things because she’s so ready to sprout. I also think it’s an age thing, because I’m not done school yet and Liv is done school. A lot of the time I think I just have to barrel through this and get to where Liv is at. But through the process of getting there she’s also going to be in a different place. Liv: I’m just pulling you along ha ha. Anita: Ya! Ha ha. I will forever be the younger sister no matter what. IS: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? Liv: We’re just as bad ass! We are bad ass not “just as”, there’s no such thing as “just as”, we just are badass. We have the power to choose who we work with, most of the time. When we don’t have the power the choose, we have the power to act in a certain way. We’re just as worth wile - we have worth. I think in my lifetime; I would love for it to come to the point where there’s no need to have the word “female” in front of “songwriter”. I don’t want to be categorized as a “female musician”, I want to be a musician. Anita: Right now we say the Lifers is a female-fronted art folk rock collective, but I want it to just be “we’re an art folk rock collective”. IS: You never hear male fronted. It just feels weird to say. Anita: It’s like being female is somehow special, which it is in a certain sense, but it shouldn’t be an exception. IS: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? Anita: I was terrified of going to Toronto when I was younger, I hated going to Toronto. I would cry and resist, I wouldn’t go on field trips to Toronto with my class because I didn’t feel safe. So I think I want to tell my younger self - and this is up to Grade 11 – “you’re going to live here for at least 5 years of your life very soon and it’s going to be fine – you’ll actually like it”. When I was deciding where to go for my post secondary education, I had just ruled out Toronto. I just said ‘I could never do that.’ Then I ended up going to school here and it has had such a huge impact on who I am as a person now. And such a huge impact on our lives as musicians. So I’m really grateful that I did this. Liv: On a different note for me, I went to university with the intention of coming out a financial advisor. I was like ‘I’ll study music as a second major because I love it and I want to know more about it’. That’s was what I thought would happen going into first year. I think that I just did not believe in my ability to survive as a musician, as a career. It took a long time for me to understand that I should take that chance and that it’s totally feasible and possible. I just needed to educate myself more on how to make that happen. Anita: You also had to do a lot of work. Liv: Oh ya! I’m sad that I didn’t even think that it would be possible. I’d always dreamed of playing music for my whole life, but I didn’t think that it would be possible. I would have just wanted to say to myself, ‘Just talk to people that are musicians, grassroots style, and just do it.’ If that’s what you’re wanting to do, you can do it. Luckily I did anyways, luckily I got past that slowly and surely. IS: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? Anita: It all comes down to kindness. Kindness to each other, kindness to the earth, kindness to ourselves. If we are kind to each other, ourselves, and the earth we can live in harmony. That’s what our music is about and that’s what I’m all about as a person. I think that’s how people feel about our shows. A sense of community and a sense of love. That’s an important first step in fixing a lot of issues that face us in today’s world. IS: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? Liv: Talk to other gals about the way that you’re feeling chances are they’re feeling it too. Anita: Celebrate small successes and small triumphs. I like to go through this process every once in a while, especially if I’m not feeling that great about myself. I try to make a list of things I’m proud of that I’ve done or moments where I’ve felt really positively about myself. Through the process of reminding yourself ‘Oh yeah, I did this thing and it’s actually pretty great that I did this thing!’ there’s a lot of power in that, in keeping myself going. Just remembering to thank yourself for pushing yourself to new places. Liv: I sometimes just like to look into my eyes in the mirror, I don’t know if you ever do this. I like to try and connect with my own soul that way. Eyes are so important for me when I’m talking to anybody. It should be equally important to look into my own eyes and feel love and happiness and a sense of understanding. I do that pretty much daily, it’s not out of vanity at all it’s just because I want to be like ‘Hi! Nice to see ya.’ Check in with myself. Sometimes my eyes can tell me things that I didn’t really know was there, I see that I’m more tired then I’m telling myself that I am. Or that there’s a lot of light in my life, a lot of things. To learn more about The Lifers visit their site: http://www.thelifersmusic.com
The first time I saw Kate Sloan live, she was opening for a friend of mine. I didn’t really know what to expect, as with many artists I’m introduced to in a live setting. She got up on stage with a lil ukulele, using a shoelace looking string as a strap. When her lyrics started to flow out of her mouth, they took me by surprise. They were honest, clever, but what really blew me away was the sexual content of a few of them. As a songwriter myself, I’ve never had the confidence to sing about my sexuality. It can be a very touchy subject to perform and can be awkward for the musician or too taboo for the audience. Sharing your music on stage is like sharing your soul, but I had never been able to go that deep. She inspired me, and gave me a boost to write what I was really feeling and not worry if it was going to make other people uncomfortable. I think that’s what really drew me to not only Kate as a musician, but Kate as a person. I wanted to ask these questions to a person that I felt had confidence in different ways then I could ever imagine or hope to have. Kate is a sex journalist, and her honesty with her readers translates to her music. It makes me wanna ask questions, get to know her and hope some of her wisdom and respect for all things will rub off on the world. So on a surprisingly hot September afternoon, I sat down in her bedroom, and asked her these questions Inspirational Songstress: How would you describe your music? Kate Sloan: I’m very influenced by musical theatre, so a lot of my songs have an element of dramatic tension and plot development. I really love the witty lyrics you often hear in musical theatre, so I try to do a lot of that. I also listen to a lot of jazz, especially golden era of jazz like Sinatra, Louie Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald type of stuff. I also really love folk, indie, pop people. I listened to a lot of Regina Spektor and John Mayer when I was getting into songwriting, so I feel like all of those things bake together to form my style. IS: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? KS: I think confidence is believing that you deserve to take up space in the world, and your opinions and ideas are valid and important. I think that’s something women in particular struggle a lot with, ‘cause we’re often told that our ideas are not important and that we don’t deserve to take up space in the world. For me personally, confidence has been a struggle because I deal with social anxiety, so a lot of my day-to-day involves worrying about “How are people perceiving me? Do I look weird right now? Do people think that I’m strange?” So a lot of my confidence journey has been about learning that, first of all, most people are not paying as close attention to me as I think they are. Most people are not paying that much attention to other people in general. Also, that I can be weird and that can be fine, it doesn’t mean I’m bad. IS: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? KS: It really depends, ‘cause if I’m on stage, I have to feel like the people who are there are interested in listening to me. I’ve had situations where I was opening for someone else and the people there did not know who I was. In those situations, I definitely feel like I have to prove myself a little more. I have to be really really good in order to get them onboard. Generally, I think I feel more confident onstage because the adrenaline kinda kicks in and I become a more confident put-together version of myself. I notice myself making jokes at things that I might not make if I was just offstage. I also know that I’m good at what I do, not as good as some people out there, but I’m fairly confident in my musical skills. I definitely feel more confident playing a song then I would be walking down the street and feeling anxious and awkward. IS: Where does your strength come from to share your art? KS: So when I was like 15 I discovered this blogger, her name is Gala Darling. She writes about fashion and beauty but all from a perspective of self-love and confidence. Before I found her blog I was really insecure and negative and pessimistic, just basically a cynical teenager. Which is not something that I wanted to be. I think I took that on as a defence mechanism, ‘cause I didn’t know how to process my feelings or my insecurities. As I started reading her blog, I became more positive, ‘cause that was the attitude she held, and started working towards self-love. Ever since then I’ve always really wanted to be that for someone. I’m a blogger and a writer and I often orient my work towards, what would a younger me need? Or someone who’s reading my blog, what do they need to hear? What would be helpful for them? So I try to keep an ideal reader in mind and I do the same kind of thing with my music. I try to write something that someone might empathise with and that might make them feel less alone. So many of our feelings, they’re not unique to us, but they can feel like they’re unique to us. That’s extra isolating, ‘cause if you feel sad or angry and also feel like you’re the only one who’s ever been sad or angry in this way. I try to create something relatable ‘cause I think that’s important for people to hear. IS: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? KS: I went to an arts high school and I had to do this audition, it wasn’t really an audition, it was like a skills test to determine what level of vocal class I should be put into. I played a Regina Spektor song called “Samson.” I played it on the piano and sang it. I think people were impressed that I was playing piano at the same time. Which, to me, at that stage, I was still new enough to that, that I was like “Yeah, that is impressive!” I also just really really love that song; I think it’s beautiful. That was before I was really writing songs on the piano of my own, so it was like I was borrowing a bit of Regina’s confidence and ability to make myself feel more accomplished. I remember people’s reaction to that song being really powerful and feeling awesome about that. IS: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? KS: I can’t imagine having picked a location that isn’t my bedroom. I almost never write songs outside of my home and specifically my bedroom. I think part of that is because until very recently I lived with my family, so if I was outside of my bedroom I was in a space where someone could immediately hear me. Because of anxiety and whatever, I find it really difficult to write in that environment. A lot of my songwriting process is improvisational so I’m just trying out a bunch of different things. If I come across anything that I think works really well, then I keep that and build on it. It’s really hard to do that when people are listening, ‘cause you feel more of a pressure to make it perfect the first time, which is never how it works. In terms of musical confidence, it always starts in my bedroom. Then once I’ve practiced enough there, then I can take it out into other places and maybe eventually a stage. It’s built first and foremost in my bedroom. Which is a double meaning ‘cause so many of my songs are about sex. Haha. IS: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and to keep it growing? KS: I think something I struggle with a lot is the notion that if I’m not sexually desirable to men, that I’m not worthy as a human. That I’m not good or interesting. Which is a culturally instilled fear but also something that’s important to me, because sex is important to me, relationships are important to me. That’s definitely something I’m trying to unlearn ‘cause I think some of the most powerful musicians and artists, especially women, are the most powerful at moments when they’re not trying to be attractive. When they’re being scary and weird. I think women in particular need permission to be scary and weird and unattractive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s that famous quote where, Amy Poehler did something gross on SNL and Jimmy Fallon joked and was like “I don’t like that!” and Amy was like “I don’t fucking care if you like it!” I’m trying to work all the time on the idea of, I don’t have to impress men. Maybe if I don’t try so hard to impress them, then I’ll impress them in a different way. IS: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? KS: I think clothing and makeup are big things for me. It’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I was comfortable with that because again, culturally we’re told those are superficial trappings that mean that you’re shallow and are ultimately unimportant. I think that there’s something powerful about dressing up exactly how you want to and doing your face exactly how you want to, and really presenting yourself how you want to be perceived. It’s almost like casting a magic spell, it feels very witchy to me in a way. I also, at this point, really enjoy playing songs that I’ve written that are about sex. In part ‘cause that’s my wheelhouse as a writer, I’m a sex journalist and I’m very comfortable writing about that subject matter. There was a time when I was really nervous about playing songs about sex, because it’s one thing to do sex journalism and report on certain aspects of sexuality very objectively; it’s another thing to share this song like “Here’s this really hurtful or important thing that happened to me in my sex life.” Especially if there’s family there. I used to make up fake lyrics and stuff so I could practice in front of my family without feeling weird about it. Now I feel like my sexuality is a core of where my power and confidence comes from. So I really enjoy playing songs about that. Because I feel that not only does it make me feel more confident but I also feel like it’s very arresting or disarming for people to hear that subject matter, ‘cause we don’t often hear it. So that makes me feel very powerful. IS: Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. KS: There’s a writer, her name is Alexandra Franzen, she’s a ghostwriter and a copywriter, but her whole thing is she likes to be what she calls a “daymaker.” So her whole objective is to make people’s day, and to make people’s day a little bit brighter. She’s very much about like, why add more negativity to the world if you don’t have to? Which I think is really nice. Obviously there are times where negativity is warranted, there are a lot of things that you can validly complain about and be angry about. She’s more about focusing on the positive and amplifying people who are doing good work and not focusing so much on negative stuff that you can’t change. So I really like her whole message. Also she’s a really good writer, I really admire women writers. I think there’s so much bravery involved in being a woman and being bold enough to be like, “Yeah, my words and ideas matter!” Because we’re told all the time that men dominate the bestseller lists and the high-up portions of every field. So I think it’s brave for women to be like “Well I’m important too.” IS: What has been your biggest personal confidence setback? Did it help or hurt your music? KS: I think my biggest setback for my confidence has always been unrequited love situations, which have happened to me a lot. I don’t think that’s necessarily unique, I think everybody goes through that. Most recently, I have a friend, who I’ve been friends with for two years. For a year of that time I was head over heels in love with him and he did not return my feelings, but still wanted to be my friend and still wanted to have sex with me. So that was really really hard because I just kept coming back to the question of like “Why doesn’t he love me? What’s wrong with me?” I would see him pursuing other women and I would be like “Why them and not me?” It really decimated my confidence, which unrequited love always does. In the past I’ve often been able to be like “Well he’s not attracted to me because I’m just not his type.” That’s fine, and you can’t control who you are and are not attracted to, and I know that. But this one in particular for some reason I was just like, “But why doesn’t he love me? We’re clearly meant to be together! I don’t understand.” So I spent a year doing that. It really affected my dating life in the sense that I wasn’t confident and was really distracted. It’s really hard to commit to new people when you’re really super in love with someone else who doesn’t want you. Which definitely affected my music as well ‘cause all my songs were mopey and “Why doesn’t he love me?” Which I actually think those are my favorite songs of mine, ‘cause they’re cathartic to listen to. I’ve had a lot of people write to me and say “Those songs helped me through a hard time. Made me feel not alone.” So I think it was really good for me creatively, but I don’t wanna do that again. Haha. It was really hard. I think I needed to go through it to understand some things that I needed for my art, but yeah, yikes. It took me a while to bounce back from that. IS: It’s so much fun to suffer for your art. Haha IS: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? KS: I think it’s just important to remember that your experiences are valid and important. There’s a trope in writing, more generally, that when a woman writes about her life and her experiences it’s self-indulgent and overly personal. When a man does it, he’s writing about the human experience and it’s relatable and important. I think that comes from cultural misogyny, and there’s so many women out there who feel alone because we’re presented with a certain image of what a woman should look like. We’re told that being pretty and desirable and a “good woman” should be easy and effortless and it’s not. We’re not supposed to talk about all the effort we put into performing femininity properly. Women’s experiences are really important and we’re not a niche group, we’re a huge group of people who have been through a lot. I really admire any woman who’s really brave enough to talk about what she goes through as a woman in any medium. I think it’s super important that they continue to do that. IS: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? KS: It’s hard ‘cause I feel like often the advice that we need to hear when we’re going through something hard is advice that, if we did hear it, we would ignore it. We’d be like “No, that’s not true.” For example, I often wish I could go back to myself a year ago and be like “You know that dude that you’re in love with? He’s not actually the only person out there for you. There are way more amazing dudes out there!” Because that’s true, but also everybody in my life was telling me that at that time. I was like “No, you don’t understand. He’s the only one I want.” I don’t know how useful it would be, ‘cause I don’t think I’d listen. I think something that I needed to hear that maybe people in my life were not telling me so much was, even if you don’t get him to fall in love with you and even if you don’t get anyone to fall in love with you, you’re still a good person and you can still have a great life. You can still do amazing work, you can still change people’s lives, and lift people up. You can still have love in your life, even if it’s not romantic, and that can still be very fulfilling. I think I tend to externalize all my hope into romantic relationships, which is really silly and I’m trying to work on that. I tend to just catastrophize that if something bad happens in the romantic part of my life, that my life is worthless and there’s no point in continuing. But no, there’s so much other good stuff going on, and that’s usually when I turn to my art and I find art is just as fulfilling, if not moreso, as relationships. My ukulele will never break up with me! IS: Or leave you, you might break a string once in a while. KS: I can just go buy another one, it’s fine. Haha IS: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? KS: In my work as a sex writer I really try to emphasize the message of sex-positivity. Which to me means that, whatever weird thing you’re into, as long as you’re doing it safely and consensually, it’s fine. You’re not broken, you’re not a pervert, unless you enjoying using that word to describe yourself. I think I try to do that with my music as well, especially as I get more into writing about kink. I think sexual liberation, it might seem like a small issue compared to a lot of other issues, but I think when you manage to take away the aspect of sexual shame, it really frees up a lot of emotional energy for other things. If you go through life feeling ashamed of this very deep core part of yourself that you can’t really change, it really limits your ability to love yourself and love other people and feel comfortable in your own skin. I think it’s really important to eradicate sexual shame to the extent that we’re able to. IS: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence?
KS: I think for me it’s been helpful to try to change my images of what an attractive, confident woman looks like. For me that’s taken the form of needing to spend less time reading magazines, watching TV, watching Hollywood movies, and more time looking at random women’s Tumblr blogs, Instagram feeds and stuff. I don’t like to use the phrase “real women” because models and actresses are still real women. But, I’ve needed to spend a lot of time looking at images of women whose bodies more resemble mine, and who I still think are attractive. To remind myself that I can still be hot even if I don’t look like Jennifer Lopez or whoever. Specifically for women who are interested in men romantically, but really for all women, I think we all need to work on unlearning our reliance on men for emotional validation. There are some great men out there but, if you’re waiting for some man to come along and tell you “You have value and you’re important and you’re worthy of love,” you might be waiting for a while. You need to be able to give those things to yourself. I think it’s also really important to cultivate strong friendships with other women and non-binary people, basically anyone who’s not a cis man. I mean, you can have friends who are cis men too, but I have found it really important to make friendships with people who understand my experience of having been socialized as a woman. Those friendships have definitely improved my confidence because they’ve taught me if I’m feeling scared or insecure about something it’s usually valid, and it’s not ‘cause I’m broken or doing something wrong. Over the past few months I’ve had the privilege to interview and photograph some amazing women. When I first started thinking of these questions I thought they would eventually feel repetitive, boring, and uninteresting after the second interview. I didn’t think there could be so many answers to “What is Confidence?”, as it seems like such a simple question. Every new interpretation is so different from the last, and every interview I leave feeling like I’ve learned something new. To say this project has given me a new outlook on confidence would be an under statement. While I wanted others to hear from these Inspirational Songstress’ truly, I wanted to hear what they had to say. I wanted to know their secrets as to how they appeared so grounded and comfortable. I wanted to be seen that way too, I wanted to feel that way inside and out. However, I learned that outer confidence can often be a facade. It’s inner confidence that’s the real challenge. These women that I had known for years were suddenly more 3D to me than ever. It was as if I didn’t even know them at all until the interview was done. Instead of doing a new feature this month, I wanted to sit and reflect on some of my favorite answers from the first 3 Inspirational Songstress’. I also wanted to include some photos that couldn’t make it in due to space. Finally, I want to take this time to deeply thank Missy Bauman, The Damzel, and Kaleidoscope Horse for taking the time to participate in this project. The response that I’ve had from everyone has been better than I could have hoped and it couldn’t be done without your contribution. Kaleidoscope Horse Inspirational Songstress: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? Desiree: I think confidence has a lot to do with feeling firm in what you feel, regardless of whether or not it’s a confident feeling. Allowing yourself and not judging yourself for the way that you’re experiencing life. Not answering to anybody about that, just be honest about who you are and not feel the need to overcompensate for something that you’ve done. ‘Cause at the end of the day, you’re your own worst critic but also you can’t go around being a certain way and expecting everybody to understand. ‘Cause they’re not going to understand, and I think to seek understanding from everybody is kind of a lack of confidence thing. At the end of the day you have to be cool with what you’re doing. That’s confidence for me right now. Sam: Confidence for me really is if I’m happy with myself. If I can sit there with myself for like, five minutes and take myself for a walk. Just feeling comfortable with myself is where I find my confidence. Where I get to be weird and play around with things is when I feel comfortable. This side of confidence comes out that maybe might be portrayed as more spastic, but it’s actually way more natural. Desiree: Yeah. I think a lot of it has to do with feeling like you have something to bring to the table. I think everybody has something to bring to the table, and not being afraid to not know something is a big thing. Sam: I learned that a lot the last couple of years from asking. I used to never ask questions ‘cause I was too embarrassed. Desiree: ‘Cause you’re comfortable enough… Sam: With yourself that it doesn’t mean something about you to not know something. Desiree: Exactly. If anything, it’s more admirable that you would wanna ask. Missy Bauman Inspirational Songstress: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? Missy: It depends. I find that when I’m playing with a band or with Max (Bornstein, the drummer for Missy’s band) it’s a lot easier to be confident and I just kind of step into a different skin almost where I can yell at people. It’s very very unnatural, but I find when I’m playing by myself I kind of realize how unnatural it is and it just seems so strange to me to like sing such personal stuff with all these people staring at me. So it’s a 50/50 kind of thing. Kaleidoscope Horse IS: Where does your strength come from to share your art? Desiree: Oh God, I don’t even think it’s a strength, I think it’s a need. For me, I don’t find it. I mean, yeah, there’s a scary aspect, I guess of putting yourself out there, but for me I have always been more afraid of not putting something out there, not contributing. For me, being silent is what would take strength. Putting something out there is a need to be understood, to connect with people, to create. That is because of my lack of strength I think, in handling my emotions inside my head, I need to express them in order to deal with them, but that’s just strictly putting it out there, it does take a lot of strength to perform, that’s for sure another aspect of it. Where that comes from is really just the want to do music professionally. The want to not have to live my life in a segregated way where I’ve got this other job, I just really want to wake up in the morning and create all day, and get paid to do that. That would be wonderful. I mean to get paid just ‘cause you have to live, Inspirational Songstress: To sustain yourself. Desiree: Yeah, exactly, and it takes a lot of work for sure, but it’s a need. Sam: For me, strength, when you were just saying, for performing specifically I feel like the strength comes from another conscious of myself, it’s another world that… Desiree: Like an energy source that you draw from. Sam: Yeah, that I just draw from or I go up into, and it’s where I’m simultaneously truly feeling like the past, present and future at once. Kinda outer body feeling, that’s when I can really tap into it, which is really really nice. To say that, I can’t do that all the time but that’s a huge strength point through just being comfortable with getting to a different point in your head. Being able to get to those when you need, I’ve practiced; we’ve played a lot of shows. It’s just tapping into this different thing, and the strength to just actually let anyone hear the music is just shear need as well. It needs to come out, it has to. I feel like I would be way farther away from myself if I didn’t. So, strength from ourselves. The Damzel IS: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? Shyla: You know what? It came really late ‘cause I feel like I am, was a late bloomer. I grew up thinking I couldn’t sing, probably into my early twenties, feeling like I wasn’t good enough and I still feel like that. I would say to myself, “My range is small,” or I’d try to sing along to other songs and couldn‘t. If I ever did a cover my self-esteem would just drop because I didn’t know how to change keys yet, or I didn’t know that I could use a capo to sing in my range. I think not knowing my voice and not knowing myself contributed to the lack of confidence. I started teaching myself how to play guitar when I was 21, and that was only so I could write my own music. As soon as I started writing my own songs, then I finally started growing more confident, that I was actually good at it. I liked it and when I was sharing it, people seemed to like it and it melted away the insecurities of “Oh, I can’t sing” or “Oh, I can’t play.” My stories or my poems started to turn into songs and it grew naturally from that. I started writing songs at 21, maybe started sharing them, at 25 or 26. Now I’m 29, and now I feel confident in it so I think it’s a real myth that people say, “You have to discover talent when you’re young.” For me what really pushes me are my beliefs. In the Bible, Jesus didn’t start what he was supposed to do until he was 30 years old. So that’s my bench mark, he‘s my benchmark - so when I’m 30, I’m just starting what I’m supposed to be doing. None of this crap about when you’re 15 you have to be discovered, that’s garbage, who invented that? Nobody says you have to be what you’re supposed to be when you’re 19 years old. You have to find what your criteria for what success is and what your marker is. I have someone that I’m looking to for who I’m supposed to be and that’s my marker for success. Nobody else can tell me that I’m failing or I’m growing besides that. Jennah : It was in elementary school when I started singing in talent shows. I had a group of friends in French immersion who used to tease me about it, not in a bad way. It was like the funny tease! It made me feel good! Like, they even knew every word! Even the originals I wrote when I was 11. They used to sing it to me! They knew me as the singer of the group and it made me think, “Oh, okay, I guess maybe I can do this! Let me learn about it. Maybe I am a singer? I am a singer! How can I get to be a better singer?” The more they said, “Oh, Jennah sings and she’s artistic.” the more I thought, “Okay, let me explore this thing.” Inspirational Songstress: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? Missy: I have a lot of ‘Mental Health’ problems, like the big scary word. I have kind of like a mood disorder that’s passed down in my family, where it’s just extreme one way or another. So I’m not just happy I’m extremely elated. I spend all my money, and I sleep with random people, or you know just rash decisions. When it’s low it’s just extremely low, I can’t even watch TV I just have to stare at the wall and feel sorry for myself kind of stuff. So a lot of those times, it’s not on a schedule or anything and, a lot of the times I’ll go into a show in a very low place. There’s nothing I can do, I just have to get up there and try to communicate and try to be myself when I feel like I’m almost wearing a blanket of sadness. Trying to break threw and trying to shine threw that. That’s a huge huge challenge for me. Kaleidoscope Horse IS: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? Desiree: You go. Sam: My band. Desiree: I was just about to say that. My team. Sam: My team. Taylor, huge rock. Sean, sweetheart. Kyle, so easy going. Desiree: Good vibes. Sam: Des is, my magical spirit swirly lollipop. (Laughs), Fan breezer, writing partner. Desiree: (Laughs), All of those things, I totally agree with. Sam: But at the same time, all those five personalities I just said, everyone is also the same. All of those things simultaneously. We really try to balance out things for each other to make life easier, ‘cause it’s not easy in this industry. You’ve gotta be good to each other. Desiree: Being good to each other keeps our heads outta our own asses, keeps our music honest and fun. Not too serious, ‘cause that can get overwhelming, but then just going up there and knowing you’re just so well rehearsed, you love the people you’re playing with, you love the music that you’re playing. That’s the most powerful feeling. Sam: And rehearsed doesn’t even necessarily mean we rehearse and we do it like it is on stage, it’s if we have gotten the time to spend together. To gel with each other, you’re more confident and going with the flow onstage. I think rehearsal and jamming, and writing together are the biggest things that keep us powerful. Missy Bauman Inspirational Songstress: What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music? Missy: The year that IMP (Independent Music Production Program at Seneca College) ended was so hard for me, and I think it’s really common for people who finish the program. The whole time you’re actively doing things for your music career and there is a path set out for you. It’s an extreme path, it’s not even what a natural extremely hard working musician would necessarily do every day. When that ended it was really hard for me to get back into working even half as intense as I was during IMP. All of a sudden I had no schedule and I was living in Stoufville so I had no friends, it was a really tricky time. It did take a long time for me to discipline myself into doing my own schedule and into working as hard as I did in school. I feel like I’m a natural student, it’s really easy for me to do assignments. If there was a musician school to last for my whole career I’d be like fucking Taylor Swift in 5 years, I swear to god. I’m just so obsessed with handing in something great. Where as with myself I’m still learning to value my own successes the same way. Inspirational Songstress: We’re taught to get approval for something that we’ve done in an academic setting our whole lives. It’s the same thing with work like traditional work. You hand something in and you want praise back, you want achievement back but, music isn’t always like that. It’s very much a give and take between you and an unknown person. You put out a piece of music and you don’t know what someone could be saying about it. You just have keep it in your own mind and be confident in yourself, and think ‘this was a good piece of art’, which is tough. The Damzel Inspirational Songstress: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? Shyla: To remember that you’re unique. I think a lot of girls spend so much time comparing themselves. It’s never a positive comparison, it’s usually negative where you don’t measure up or where you’re lacking. There is nobody who has the unique traits, or set of skills, or interest and passions, or genetic makeup like you! You are the only you , so your voice and your stories are special and it’s necessary especially in a world where so many people and groups are pitted against each other. Especially in Toronto where there’s so much multiculturalism. My background’s so varied, other people’s backgrounds are so varied, but I’m growing up a Canadian. There’s nobody that has a story like mine with experiences like me, even if you’ve got the same background, our experiences are so different. Don‘t be afraid that you don’t have anything to share, everybody has something to share. Jennah: I think I’d tell them that your voice is important, your opinion matters, whatever you’ve got to say, it means something. So, share what you wanna share, and don’t be afraid of what people are going to think. Kaleidoscope Horse Inspirational Songstress: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? Sam: My parents were really, really cool, they never questioned when I wanted to do something that wasn’t stereotypically girly. They always just went with the flow of it, it was more so society that made me feel like I had to be a ‘girl’. When I went fully Tomboy, I thought I just had to be a Tomboy. It felt weird to kind of go back to being girly too. I was really confused in what I wanted my style and my feelings to be. Then I realized I could dress like a Tomboy one day, and dress really girly the other day. Same with music, I could scream or I could sing really pretty. I would tell myself that people are going to be around no matter what and you have to love yourself. It’s gonna be okay, ‘cause as long as you’re cool with yourself, you’re gonna be happy. You’ll be able to sit in a park by yourself and get stoned for hours. All you’ll need is to just love yourself. Desiree: That’s totally what I was gonna say. Just that you’re fine. Honestly you’re fine. There are so many moments that I’ve had where I thought that I wasn’t gonna get over, or through something, but you do every single time. You’ve got your ups and downs of life, and at the end of the day if you are genuine to yourself, and you are as good to yourself, and to other people as you can be, you will come out of those times. Missy Bauman Inspirational Songstress: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? Missy: I have a handful of messages but mostly, it’s so cheesy, I just want people to be genuine. Be yourself. I love meeting people who get really flustered talking about something they love. Just being super dorky and being unafraid of people’s judgments, so long as its done with love. If you’re a dick? Be someone else but, if you are a kind person and you have passion and love to share and you share it truly? That’s what I would really love to encourage through my music. It’s funny cause a lot of my music is very sad, but I feel like all of my sad songs are about the journey to get over it. To be happy, and to be that true version of yourself. Kaleidoscope Horse
Inspirational Songstress: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? Sam: Seek out your fellow friends, they’ll help you a lot. My best friends have helped me so much with my confidence and honestly, hug yourself. Sometimes legitimately, if you hug yourself and smile for at least 30 seconds, it can help. Desiree: I think to be able to spend time alone with yourself is very, very important, in terms of knowing where you’re at. If you’re reflecting actively and you know where you’re at, then you don’t need to worry when you’re around other people or when you’re doing anything. ‘Cause at the end of the day, if you’re checking in with yourself, you know where you’re at, you respect your own feelings. I would say respecting your feelings and prioritizing your own feelings is very important. Not in a way where you’re putting anybody else’s feelings above at all, but to see them on the same level as your own at least. At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live your life. You are the one who has to live in this body, you are the one who has to experience the world through the way that you create your own experience. I think people think that they have less control than they do. Sam: Spend time with yourself. Desiree: Tap into your own power, ‘cause it’s so there, everyone has it. That doesn’t necessarily mean power as in, “I can do whatever I want.” It could be knowing when to go to a friend, knowing when you need external help, knowing when you need internal moments. I know I’ve done a lot of experimentation with different mental states, different emotional states. That’s my own way of learning about myself, but I think if you’re dedicated to learning about yourself, that’s what gets you to confidence. The first time I saw Kaleidoscope Horse perform was two-ish years ago. Back then it was just Desiree Das Gupta and Sam Maloney in this epic duo. They opened for a band I was playing with at the time, and right then I knew these two girls had something special. I first met them however, a year prior via the Independent Music Production (IMP) program at Seneca College. Desiree was finishing up a couple of courses in the program, and right away I knew knowing her would be a growing experience. As a very shy and reserved person, Desiree was the total opposite. Her music was wild and fiery and she said things I could never hope to say out loud. I met Sam through Desiree, she had graduated a bit before us but had first met Desiree in her IMP class. Since then Kaleidoscope Horse has grown into a five-piece full band that have just finished recording their first album together. They also just signed with local Toronto label, Fried Records. I’ve always known Desiree and Sam as these two badasses, confident and free spirits. To me, they never cared what people thought and nothing could ever touch them, but getting to interview them was an interesting and eye opening experience. It made me truly realize that you don’t even know what’s beyond the surface unless you try to uncover it. I learned so much about these two inspiring women, as well as myself, with this one 45 minute conversation. Desiree and Sam are like two soul sisters that were separated at birth and found each other in their evolving adulthood. Constantly finishing each other sentences, it’s like they have a psychic twin link that’s just an awe to watch. On a surprisingly chilly summer afternoon, we sat in the living room of the “Bayou”, where I asked them these questions. IS: How would you describe your music? Desiree: I would say our music is theatrical. It’s constantly evolving. Sam: Let’s think of three words. Theatrical, dreamy… D: And emotion based. S: Emotion based, heavy emotion based. As of what people have heard so far. IS: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? D: I think confidence has a lot to do with feeling firm in what you feel, regardless of whether or not it’s a confident feeling. Allowing yourself and not judging yourself for the way that you’re experiencing life. Not answering to anybody about that, just be honest about who you are and not feel the need to overcompensate for something that you’ve done. ‘Cause at the end of the day, you’re your own worst critic but also you can’t go around being a certain way and expecting everybody to understand. ‘Cause they’re not going to understand, and I think to seek understanding from everybody is kind of a lack of confidence thing. At the end of the day you have to be cool with what you’re doing. That’s confidence for me right now. S: Confidence for me really is if I’m happy with myself. If I can sit there with myself for like, five minutes and take myself for a walk. Just feeling comfortable with myself is where I find my confidence. Where I get to be weird and play around with things is when I feel comfortable. This side of confidence comes out that maybe might be portrayed as more spastic, but it’s actually way more natural. D: Yeah. I think a lot of it has to do with feeling like you have something to bring to the table. I think everybody has something to bring to the table, and not being afraid to not know something is a big thing. S: I learned that a lot the last couple of years from asking. I used to never ask questions ‘cause I was too embarrassed. S: ‘Cause you’re comfortable enough… D: With yourself that it doesn’t mean something about you to not know something. S: Exactly. If anything, it’s more admirable that you would wanna ask. IS: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? D: For me, everyday, every moment is different. We’ll play shows where I wanna crawl into a shell or just sink back into my other band mates. Or I’ll have shows where I’m feeling entirely energized by what everyone else is doing, or just within myself and then I can feel good about that. I go back and forth between enjoying being the centre of attention, and feeling pressured by it. There’s just times when I’m not fully in the headspace of being like, “Here I am!” I would so much rather be just chillin’, but you know, as an artist you have to learn how to balance both of those things. I think that’s a different type of confidence. S: I was just gonna say that. D: When you’re on stage it’s more about pushing yourself, which takes a lot of confidence. Offstage, I think it’s a lot more about being comfortable in random interactions or not interacting at all. Not constantly putting yourself out there. S: I feel like you pretty much summed it up for the both of us. There’s two different confidences. Well, for me I was so shy, like Des(iree) helped me out a lot with making me feel confident. As with performing, I honestly couldn’t have done it alone, I’m not the solo artist type. I very much thrive off of other good energy, and I would sing quietly in my room in literal closets and stuff. We literally wrote half of the album in a closet because of just how intimate and precious it was. It was kind of scary, you don’t wanna belt it out right away. Basically I didn’t sing, I didn’t know about IMP, I thought I was going in for just the production. I was like, “Yup, I’m going to be behind the scenes. I’m not gonna sing, no one needs to hear me sing or play really. I wanna be behind the scenes.” Then there’s like, song writing and I was like, “Okay, I guess I’ll get into this,” and then I was able to perform in front of people. I only started performing in front of people and not completely freaking out like four, five years ago. When we played together. D: ‘Cause we were so used to being in this closet and in this bubble together, where nobody else’s energies could interfere with what we really believed we were creating. I think that when we went on stage, we recreated that world. That’s why we generally believed in what we created so we were like, “Boom!” S: That’s kinda where the comfy robes and the blankets (that they had on stage), we kinda set up our safe haven space on stage. D: Kinda tuck us in. S: Yeah, allow us to get confident and then confidence outside of, it’s so different. It’s a confidence I never felt performing. It’s really cool, I’ve never felt that. Being proud I think is more of a thing, but being confident outside, I don’t know which one I’m more confident with. I’d say that they’re equally, they reflect so much on each other. I really can’t fully, can’t get outta the headspace I am in, the real world to the performing world all the time. It very much shines through all of us, I think it’s an obvious. D: Yeah, I think they both affect each other very heavily, and it’s so rollercoastery sometimes, so there really is no steady answer. IS: Where does your strength come from to share your art? D: Oh God, I don’t even think it’s a strength, I think it’s a need. For me, I don’t find it. I mean, yeah, there’s a scary aspect, I guess of putting yourself out there, but for me I have always been more afraid of not putting something out there, not contributing. For me, being silent is what would take strength. Putting something out there is a need to be understood, to connect with people, to create. That is because of my lack of strength I think, in handling my emotions inside my head, I need to express them in order to deal with them, but that’s just strictly putting it out there, it does take a lot of strength to perform, that’s for sure another aspect of it. Where that comes from is really just the want to do music professionally. The want to not have to live my life in a segregated way where I’ve got this other job, I just really want to wake up in the morning and create all day, and get paid to do that. That would be wonderful. I mean to get paid just ‘cause you have to live, IS: To sustain yourself. D: Yeah, exactly, and it takes a lot of work for sure, but it’s a need. S: For me, strength, when you were just saying, for performing specifically I feel like the strength comes from another conscious of myself, it’s another world that… D: Like an energy source that you draw from. S: Yeah, that I just draw from or I go up into, and it’s where I’m simultaneously truly feeling like the past, present and future at once. Kinda outer body feeling, that’s when I can really tap into it, which is really really nice. To say that, I can’t do that all the time but that’s a huge strength point through just being comfortable with getting to a different point in your head. Being able to get to those when you need, I’ve practiced; we’ve played a lot of shows. It’s just tapping into this different thing, and the strength to just actually let anyone hear the music is just shear need as well. It needs to come out, it has to. I feel like I would be way farther away from myself if I didn’t. So, strength from ourselves. IS: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? D: This is weird. I was born musically confident. S: (Laughs), Yeah, we’re so different this way. D: I came out singing, I came out creating. I got my first guitar when I was like, three. I learned how to be unconfident. The world taught me to not be confident. I had to regain it. I’ve been singing forever, but I think a moment in my adult life, since I’ve matured I guess, was when Sam and I finished writing this first record, and we played some acoustic show somewhere, I have no idea. I know we played some show where it was just the two of us, and I legitimately did not care what anybody else thought. Not one single person in that room could’ve made me feel any less or anything, because I was just so happy and honored to be playing the music that we had created, and I felt so detached from the opinions of others., and I think that’s what was really like, “Okay, I’m an artist, I can do this, I can validate myself.” S: Validating yourself is all that maters really. I’ll go like, way back throwback. It would be when I was in one of the first bands I was in. It was with one of my best friends, Marc, and I actually started out playing the drums. I still play the drums. So, I started with that and it was a way for me to still not have to interact, or really look at anyone, but still make a noise and express. D: But you’re behind a kit. S: You’re in the back, but that’s kinda changed now. Now I’m like, “Oh my god! The whole vibe is on you.” D: Yeah! Because you know more now. S: Exactly. The first time feeling confident, I think was when I did this grade eight talent show with my friend Marc and Robbie. We did some Nirvana covers, and Robbie playing the bass was just, this is such angsty teen… IS: Middle schooler vibes. S: Yeah, musical confidence, ‘cause I was just playing and I knew I could play. There was a huge lack of girl musicians in my town. No one, especially a girl playing the drums ‘cause I’m from a smaller town. It was terrifying but it was definitely a pinnacle point of confidence. Then we were playing “Territorial Pissings” by Nirvana, and I just start smashing on the drums, and Robbie starts smashing the bass on the thing (stage)! This grade eight talent show! That was probably the first time, but then once I started writing and singing that came with, when I was really, really proud. I’ve had so many times feeling proud, it’s really hard, but it really, truly started when I started playing with Des and performing with her. I wasn’t proud of myself because I hadn’t cracked into that part of me yet. She happened to be around while I was, and also helping me with it and vice versa, and that’s why we jive so well, ‘cause we were with each other in those pinnacle points. D: And we brought out things in each other that we both needed. IS: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? IS: We’re at the Bayou. Both: The Bayou!!! D: Basically what happened was when Sam moved in here, I helped her move in. We spent the night here and then we drove to Texas with our best friends the next day. S: Three of our best friends! Also in a sweet band called Hot Garbage. D: So, we were driving to Texas with these musicians, and I just realized that if I was going to do anything, if I was ever going to be a musician, I needed to get the fuck outta my mom’s house. I needed to be in the city, I needed to be around people who were creating and who were doing well for themselves. Every musician, everybody that lives here (in the Bayou) is a musician in a rocking band, actively working on their music on a regular basis. S: So inspiring. D: Once we were all together in Texas, and we had that week and we bonded so much, and we saw so much music ‘cause we were there for a music festival. When we came back we literally came back here, and I never left. I just said, “I can’t go back to the way I was living,” and she (Sam) was like, “Move in with me.” S: She crashed with me. D: For the hottest summer on record, we were dying, to the point where Alex (roommate) went and slept on the bus for air conditioning. S: We were so hot up here. I first moved to Kensington after IMP, and I lived in a basement, and I had such pinnacle moments there. It was absolutely beautiful and a classic basement apartment in the downtown core. Then I was like, “I need to get out, I need to be around a tree.” There’s a tree in the backyard (at the Bayou), I needed that, and then I moved to the very top floor that I could. ‘Cause I just needed more space… D: We were so comfortable. S: ‘Cause we were confident in ourselves and what we were doing in our music. We were comfortable immediately! The space was ours to be created ‘cause it was just Alex living here, so it was pretty much up for energy, there was room to have more energy and stuff in there. D: We really made it our own. We really spent so much time here doing so many things with different people. That’s really shaped who we are as musicians now I would say. Because we’ve met so many musicians, we’ve played with so many people here. S: In this place too (the living room). All of our best friends, we’ve had so many jams and good moments in here. It’s the best place for us creatively, we feel super comfortable. IS: It’s funny because you guys talked earlier about how you create your space on stage, and this place looks like what you create on stage. The fan that you used to play with is in the hall. The second I walked in here I was like, “Yeah, I can totally see Sam living here.” D: To be able to come in and get messy I feel is important to the type of music we create. S: Which is why we also chose to record in the home studio for the first album. We wanted it feel like we were inside somebody’s living room, we literally were in someone’s room. IS: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? D: For me right now, obviously I’m going through a lot emotionally, and that’s hard because it’s hard to find the motivation to literally get outta bed sometimes. To create is a lot of effort sometimes, that I don’t have the energy to exert, so I would say that is one half of the battle. The other half I would say is that I’m currently at a point where I have consumed so much music, because I wanted to branch out past what I was used to writing. Now I don’t really know what to do with this information, I don’t really know how to sort through everything in my mind and create in a way that’s organic right now. It’s not just me saying, “I just wanna sing a nice song,” or “Oh, this is how I’m feeling.” I actually have musical goals now. I actually have things I want to achieve sonically that I’m just learning about. So it’s hard because I’m both over knowledgeable in the sense that I’m oversaturated by all these different sounds. Where as when we made the first record, we didn’t listen to anything anyone ever did. S: Yeah, we literally locked ourselves in a closet to not be influenced. D: But now we are so heavily influenced because we wanted to learn more and expand. S: It’s the only way to keep it going. The only way to keep that confidence going is if you keep challenging yourself and then you keep proving yourself right. I just recently really started getting into pedals and more effects stuff. We’re really tapping into that world of things now, which we’re new too. It’s like, we can write a song but how we want it to sound now is not as attainable at the moment. D: It’s not as organic I would say. It’s much more crafted now, where as before it was so free flowing, “Oh, this is the way we want it,” and now we have more goals. I think the biggest battle is remaining organic while simultaneously challenging yourself. IS: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? D: You go. S: My band. D: I was just about to say that. My team. S: My team. Taylor, huge rock. Sean, sweetheart. Kyle, so easy going. D: Good vibes. S: Des is, my magical spirit swirly lollipop. (Laughs), Fan breezer, writing partner. D: (Laughs), All of those things, I totally agree with. S: But at the same time, all those five personalities I just said, everyone is also the same. All of those things simultaneously. We really try to balance out things for each other to make life easier, ‘cause it’s not easy in this industry. You’ve gotta be good to each other. D: Being good to each other keeps our heads outta our own asses, keeps our music honest and fun. Not too serious, ‘cause that can get overwhelming, but then just going up there and knowing you’re just so well rehearsed, you love the people you’re playing with, you love the music that you’re playing. That’s the most powerful feeling. S: And rehearsed doesn’t even necessarily mean we rehearse and we do it like it is on stage, it’s if we have gotten the time to spend together. To gel with each other, you’re more confident and going with the flow onstage. I think rehearsal and jamming, and writing together are the biggest things that keep us powerful. IS: Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. D: Outside of each other. S: Patsy Cline. I had never heard emotion like that in someone’s vocals. It just resonated with me so hard, I know she doesn’t write any of her own songs but that’s not why. I really looked up to her in a genuine passionate way, which I’ve always admired about any kind of music. If it’s really genuine sappy, that’s me to a T. She was that first introduction for me. More recently, Angel Olsen’s who I’ve been listening too. D: I’m going to go not musician, because I try very hard not to not focus on musicians in a gender type of way. Not to say that you are (Sam), I’m just saying I don’t think of people as boy or girl really. Although if I could say any musician it would be Björk. Björk is insane, I don’t even know that much about her, I just know that she is genuine to herself and I think that is such a number one thing. She’s not afraid to be freaky, she’s not afraid to try out different styles of music. She’s not afraid to make something that doesn’t appeal to mass audiences, and she doesn’t answer to anybody but herself. She’ll go as girly or as not girly as she wants to be. She doesn’t play into any gender factor so I would say that’s a massive thing I love about Björk. In a much more personal way I would say my Omi, my dad’s mom. I wear all of her clothes on stage. She was a massively powerful woman and she passed away when I was 14. Her power that I saw, the way that I always saw her is the way that I envision the way I see myself at my best, so I kinda see her as my best self, which may or may not be true at all. For all you know, you don’t know your grandparents as people, you just observe them basically. Especially when they pass away when you’re so young. For me the way that I idealized her is kinda all the things about myself that I love, so it’s really just an external way to connect with a higher part of myself but in the form of my grandmother. IS: What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music? D: Mental illness I would say. The struggle to keep personal motivation is something that lots of people experience, and that hurts your music all the time. At the same time everything ebs and flows you go through ruts, you’ve got your peaks and valleys. If you spend a long time not creating, you will eventually explode open because you have to, it comes to a boiling point. IS: That literally just happened to me. All I could write about was how I had writer’s block and how pissed I was that I couldn’t create anything. Then I wrote like, five songs in a day. It was just like puke. D: See? There you go. I think struggling to maintain a steady mood is difficult to really work with. Especially just trying to be professional, doing something, planning things. It’s hard to keep a schedule when you don’t even know if you want to be around the next day. S: My lyrics. I’ve always lacked confidence in my lyrics. I can never just seem to push past thinking that they’re too obvious or maybe something doesn’t flow. In that way, it really got me to delve into effects and creating, and guitar. I don’t think I would sing if I hadn’t started the guitar first, I’ve always let that speak more than the words. The emotion, I was way better to put it into guitar chords and a sonic sound than words, which is why it flowed nicely with Des’s lyrics and poetry. It has hurt a lot; it’s really set back my writing. IS: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? D: That you’re a musician. That you don’t yourself as a ‘female’ musician. Dudes don’t say, “I’m a male musician.” S: Guys don’t have to say that. I even said a couple of times, how I brought up being from a small town, it was very obvious that, “Oh, you’re a girl. You like drumming? You like skateboarding? You like snowboarding?” No one seemed to get it. Basically no one needs to get it, no one needs to question why you wanna do something just because of what you were born with. D: Don’t be afraid to be super feminine or super not feminine. S: Be both, one day or the other, that’s also a thing. I thought that I had to just be really Tomboyish, that it was weird for me to wear a dress. Then I started doing that, I’d go really Tomboyish with a nice button up, lookin’ really dapperly. Then I’d go really flowy. I’m more confident for allowing myself to have all sides of that. IS: You weren’t in an environment where that was a thing. You had to be one or the other. Toronto is such a melting pot. S: Toronto changed and saved my life honestly. D: Same. I think also a thing to remember as a female musician is to not compare yourself to the guys. Not to look at the guys and think, “Oh, they’re doing it this way, so I either have to do it that way or not do it that way.” I think it’s important to not be afraid to be the first one to do something. With a lot of female musicians, you see them going about things a certain way, or you’ll see them talking to people in a certain way just because that’s the way people have talked to them. Like, on stage they’ll say things that maybe are sexist. Like, you’re a woman! Why are you saying certain things? Just because that’s typical stage banter or something? I feel like it’s important to pave your own way and be your own person, and not be afraid of what that means. S: Also, don’t be afraid of being a sexual woman. If that’s how you wanna express yourself musically, that is your own fucking business. D: Or not. You don’t need to sexualize yourself and you don’t need to desexualize yourself. S: Don’t feel bad for either. D: You’re a full scope of a person, don’t paint yourself into one box just to be appealing to one type of person. S: That has to do with image, not only music too. ‘Cause girls shred. IS: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? S: My parents were really, really cool, they never questioned when I wanted to do something that wasn’t stereotypically girly. They always just went with the flow of it, it was more so society that made me feel like I had to be a ‘girl’. When I went fully Tomboy, I thought I just had to be a Tomboy. It felt weird to kind of go back to being girly too. I was really confused in what I wanted my style and my feelings to be. Then I realized I could dress like a Tomboy one day, and dress really girly the other day. Same with music, I could scream or I could sing really pretty. I would tell myself that people are going to be around no matter what and you have to love yourself. It’s gonna be okay, ‘cause as long as you’re cool with yourself, you’re gonna be happy. You’ll be able to sit in a park by yourself and get stoned for hours. All you’ll need is to just love yourself. D: That’s totally what I was gonna say. Just that you’re fine. Honestly you’re fine. There are so many moments that I’ve had where I thought that I wasn’t gonna get over, or through something, but you do every single time. You’ve got your ups and downs of life, and at the end of the day if you are genuine to yourself, and you are as good to yourself, and to other people as you can be, you will come out of those times. IS: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? D: It’s hard because we want the music for itself. We want people to take whatever they’re gonna take from it, that’s what we want them to take from it. S: So, don’t worry. You are fine and let yourself decide how you feel always. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to love it. It might impact you for a split second and then you never hear it again. Know that it was made with care and that it’s all very genuine and honest. IS: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? S: Seek out your fellow friends, they’ll help you a lot. My best friends have helped me so much with my confidence and honestly, hug yourself. Sometimes legitimately, if you hug yourself and smile for at least 30 seconds, it can help. D: I think to be able to spend time alone with yourself is very, very important, in terms of knowing where you’re at. If you’re reflecting actively and you know where you’re at, then you don’t need to worry when you’re around other people or when you’re doing anything. ‘Cause at the end of the day, if you’re checking in with yourself, you know where you’re at, you respect your own feelings. I would say respecting your feelings and prioritizing your own feelings is very important. Not in a way where you’re putting anybody else’s feelings above at all, but to see them on the same level as your own at least. At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live your life. You are the one who has to live in this body, you are the one who has to experience the world through the way that you create your own experience. I think people think that they have less control than they do. S: Spend time with yourself. D: Tap into your own power, ‘cause it’s so there, everyone has it. That doesn’t necessarily mean power as in, “I can do whatever I want.” It could be knowing when to go to a friend, knowing when you need external help, knowing when you need internal moments. I know I’ve done a lot of experimentation with different mental states, different emotional states. That’s my own way of learning about myself, but I think if you’re dedicated to learning about yourself, that’s what gets you to confidence. Foreword, Interview, and Photos by Anjelica Hammond Rees Edited by Max Bornstein I met the women of The Damzel, Jennah Bissessur and Shyla Margaret Machanda, at different times. The first time I heard of Jennah was at my high school variety show, which was put on every Christmas. My best friend and I played a solo song, and Jennah, along with her two friends did as well. As the show grew closer, we were all brought together to practice. This included performing in front of the other people who had small solo songs. The first time I heard her voice, I was hooked. Jennah has a special tone, approach and indescribable style that I had not heard before. Every note felt soulful and thought out, but effortless. While we never really spoke, I had great appreciation for her talent. After she graduated, being a year older than me, I never thought I’d see her again. Two years later, however, we were reunited at Seneca College for the Independent Music Production (IMP) program. It was there that I was introduced to Shyla. While I was extremely intimidated by everyone I came in contact with in my class, all for different reasons, for Shyla, it was her ability to bare her soul in every word she wrote. Every song she shared drew me closer to understanding her as not only a songwriter, but as a person. It was in that program that they got together, and became The Damzel. Since IMP has ended, I have had the pleasure to not only listen to their music, but also perform with them once or twice. They just recently released their first EP last month, and their voices together bring out many different emotions and experiences. When thinking about who I wanted to talk to, or who I thought an Inspirational Songstress was, these two were high on my list. Surely anyone who can bare their soul the way these two can, is a prime example of confidence. On an overcast day in Toronto’s Kensington Market, at a little place called the Film Café, I sat down to ask them these questions. Inspirational Songstress: How would you describe your music? Shyla: I would describe it as somebody singing out my diary - it’s all of the thoughts going on inside my head. Usually with our music what we write is what you hear. We don’t do anything at all, any post editing, it kinda just comes out that way. I feel like it’s really raw and a good representation of what’s in our hearts. IS: How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? Jennah: First being unconfident, to me it’s like being stuck in a tunnel and hearing voices telling you that you can’t do anything right. Whether they are real things that have been said to you or voices that are representations of what you think people will tell you...it prevents you from taking a step forward or back…from trying...so confidence is having the strength to push them away and walking to your own rhythm Shyla: To try! That’s the thing. Everybody can define confidence differently based on their own values or set of beliefs, but honestly, confidence is mostly what other people perceive because you don’t have to be confident to look confident. There are so many times when people say to me, “Oh, you didn’t seem nervous at all!” Inside it’s like, I was literally dying. It’s almost like you have to play a part. Confidence is: if you believe you are confident, then you are. You just have to try. IS: Do you feel more confident on stage or off? J: Onstage, because I’m usually thinking of a lot of things. I’m always thinking about the chords, what foot I’m leaning on, the lyrics, story, imagery, harmonies, tone, expression, dynamics of our voices...the only time I am not confident on stage is if I drop thinking about one of these things. S: I would say offstage. Just because in life, now that I‘m 29, I feel like I have a good handle on stuff. There’s not many things anymore that kind of shake my confidence or my perception of myself as much as it used to. So, offstage I feel like I have a better sense of myself and knowing who I am. Onstage, it’s not that I don’t have confidence onstage, but I think every time you go up there, it’s an unknown. It’s a different environment, you just kind of go in there blind and who knows what’s going to happen? J: I feel like that’s how it is with conversation. Like, I’m terrified of talking. IS: Is stage banter like a, “Ummm, no!”? J: No, no, completely no. S: We try though. J: We’ve gotten better at it. IS: It’s an awkward thing to do! You’re going up there in front of all these people and it’s a one sided conversation. It’s not like people are gonna say, “Yeah!” and if they do, it’s looked down on. Like, “Why are you talking? It’s not your performance.” S: It’s almost like being on a first date every time you get up there. You think, “I hope they like me!” You don’t really know if they do or not. Then you think, “Oh well, I tried my best.” IS: Where does your strength come from to share your art? J: I think if I’m happy with the song as a whole, record it on my phone, play it back. Still really like it and then show someone like Shyla. If she likes it then I’m like, “Okay, so it’s good, (Laughs).” So, then I can play it live and I become comfortable with it. S: : I think “Crossroads” is a good example of that. It’s the first song we wrote together, and I was going through such a difficult time and it was so raw. If I tell people what the song is actually about specifically, which I think only Jennah knows, maybe one or two other people, it’s so plain to see what it’s about if you read the lyrics. If you don’t know what it’s about, it could be applied to anything. J: I find it easier to share songs that are not written with “I”. Songs that are more about people are easier because then it feels less personal. If it is a true story, but I make it in a different person’s perspective, then it makes it easier. IS: It’s like disconnecting yourself from the project. It’s like, “Oh, this is no longer about me. It’s about a person that’s going through a similar situation.” S: You turn it into a story. It stops being so personal that you feel that you can’t share it. I think for me, if I believe in it, I know that whenever I write a song I have this feeling about it. I think when I get that feeling, I know this is solid, I believe in this song as a good expression of what I’m trying to convey then it doesn’t even matter if I show anyone or they like it. There are still songs that I have and I love the song, but I know it’s just missing one thing and I haven’t figured it out yet. I still love the song but I’m not going to share it yet, because there’s just something... J: It’s not ready. S: Yeah. J: Also, there are a lot of half songs I‘ve written but don’t like. But when I compare my old songs to the new half songs, I see that there’s a lot of growth - that also pushes me to finish it and share it. IS: What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? S: You know what? It came really late ‘cause I feel like I am, was a late bloomer. I grew up thinking I couldn’t sing, probably into my early twenties, feeling like I wasn’t good enough and I still feel like that. I would say to myself, “My range is small,” or I’d try to sing along to other songs and couldn‘t. If I ever did a cover my self-esteem would just drop because I didn’t know how to change keys yet, or I didn’t know that I could use a capo to sing in my range. I think not knowing my voice and not knowing myself contributed to the lack of confidence. I started teaching myself how to play guitar when I was 21, and that was only so I could write my own music. As soon as I started writing my own songs, then I finally started growing more confident, that I was actually good at it. I liked it and when I was sharing it, people seemed to like it and it melted away the insecurities of “Oh, I can’t sing” or “Oh, I can’t play.” My stories or my poems started to turn into songs and it grew naturally from that. I started writing songs at 21, maybe started sharing them, at 25 or 26. Now I’m 29, and now I feel confident in it so I think it’s a real myth that people say, “You have to discover talent when you’re young.” For me what really pushes me are my beliefs. In the Bible, Jesus didn’t start what he was supposed to do until he was 30 years old. So that’s my bench mark, he‘s my benchmark - so when I’m 30, I’m just starting what I’m supposed to be doing. None of this crap about when you’re 15 you have to be discovered, that’s garbage, who invented that? Nobody says you have to be what you’re supposed to be when you’re 19 years old. You have to find what your criteria for what success is and what your marker is. I have someone that I’m looking to for who I’m supposed to be and that’s my marker for success. Nobody else can tell me that I’m failing or I’m growing besides that. J: : It was in elementary school when I started singing in talent shows. I had a group of friends in French immersion who used to tease me about it, not in a bad way. It was like the funny tease! It made me feel good! Like, they even knew every word! Even the originals I wrote when I was 11. They used to sing it to me! They knew me as the singer of the group and it made me think, “Oh, okay, I guess maybe I can do this! Let me learn about it. Maybe I am a singer? I am a singer! How can I get to be a better singer?” The more they said, “Oh, Jennah sings and she’s artistic.” the more I thought, “Okay, let me explore this thing.” IS: Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? S: Kensington Market is obviously iconic to Toronto, and there’s so much history here. I also work close by so I’m here often. It’s pretty much my neighbourhood during the day (because I live in Ajax), so now I’m not always in the Toronto area. I grew up in Scarborough and I went to university down the street, so this feels like home, it’s a place I feel familiar with but still always discovering new things. Like, I’ve never eaten food at this restaurant we’re in and I walk by it everyday. There‘s such a large variety of people here. It’s got a cool vibe, something’s always happening, sometimes it’s sketchy. You never know what you’re going to get. IS: Anything to add (Jennah)? J: The churros are really good, (Laughs). IS: What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? J: I think my problem is...well, all the people I know are great people. They’re not going to be rude to me or anything, not intentionally, but I create conversations in my head and whether or not these people will say these things or not, you know, I just create the conversations. So then I start to think, “Well, everybody hates me.” Especially when I’m tired, when I don’t have enough sleep, everybody hates me. That stops me from being confident. What does help is sleeping more, talking to myself, and singing songs about it. IS: Like saying, “You got this!” J: Yeah, the whole thing about the voices in the tunnel. I’ll be like, “Jennah, shut up.” I’ll be in my room like, I cried already, can you stop? Then I get really calm, like I could see clearly, all those arguments, they’re not real, they’re just in my head. S: I think for so long, especially as a woman, you’re battling this notion that you have to feel the same way all the time. You gotta be steady. Yes, there’s a difference with men and women, we are different creatures and the differences are good. We’re not any less than the other but we have to allow the fluctuation in our feelings and our view of ourselves, how we’re internalizing things. Every week we’re changing but that’s part of our power and our strength, because we are created different. I think we have to give ourselves permission to not always feel okay or feel on top of our game. Knowing that you can ride it like a wave - just because today might seem like a low point doesn’t’t mean that that low point is negative. That could actually be a positive. Being in a space where you have to battle with these voices or self-doubt, or low confidence, that’s what makes you stronger. So, it’s almost like exercising, you’re working out that muscle, that confidence muscle. It hurts when you build muscle, you gotta tear it apart but it builds itself back together. You gotta work through that, you’re getting stronger at it. It’s seeing those negatives or those low points as just training or strengthening. It’s being okay with not being okay all the time; you don’t have to perform at the same level every day, you’re not supposed to. IS: When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? S: I feel like there are different spots in different songs that I build up to it, and when I hit that spot I love singing that part. That’s the peak of the song and that’s where the message or the strength is. Then there’s also, if I’m having a really good hair day, (Laughs). No lie, if my hair’s blowing in the wind, yeah, I dig that too. J: I think what makes me feel powerful when I sing is just knowing what I wrote about, and taking everything that I’ve learned, and trying to put as much out as I can. It makes me feel powerful. IS: Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. J: Jessica Kobeissi, she’s a photographer on Youtube. She is an inspiration because she’s a badass, she will say what’s on her mind, she will inspire people with her videos whether it’s for photography or not. She’s talking about photography, but it also applies to everyday life and it’s kinda like, standing your ground and not letting anybody tell you how you should think. Being creative without any filters. She tells you that it’s okay to be you, and that it’s your art so express it the way you want. S: This is actually really hard because I can’t think of anyone. I know that there are women role models but even my influences are mostly all male artist or male bands. Maybe that’s because there are so many of them? I don’t know. I feel like, to be honest, in general when I see women who are not getting any recognition. The mom with three kids who’s just trying to be a good mom. She’s at the last rung of the latter, she puts herself last. The woman just working hard in life - doing the daily grind - supporting others, her parents or supporting herself. These are all people who get no recognition but they’re doing good work. They’re necessary, those are the people that inspire me because they might never get recognition. What they’re doing matters and it counts. IS: What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? S: Probably when I did something myself, that really messed my life up. I had nobody else to blame but myself. It was like, “I can’t trust myself with all these things I thought I knew or I thought I was.” That one thing blew it all up. A lot of maybe my strength and confidence and lack of it comes from such an internal place of knowing myself. Being really steady, having a steady foundation of what I believe and who I am. So, I think when an internal issue or like, a choice that I made, making a mistake or failing hardcore or when you are literally in a hole. Then the thought “I did this to myself“, I think that’s probably what shook me the most. Then again, climbing out of that, you grow. J: Things that would always push me back would be if I had a bad mark on something at school, or someone asks me a question, no matter what it is and I just don’t know the answer. Then feeling sad that I don’t know about it. I think I used to be more wild and silly, trying to be the part of an adult. Sometimes you get stuck in between, I’m not a kid, I’m not an adult. Trying to be somebody. S: That’s when you know you’re an adult! (Laughs) IS: What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? S: To remember that you’re unique. I think a lot of girls spend so much time comparing themselves. It’s never a positive comparison, it’s usually negative where you don’t measure up or where you’re lacking. There is nobody who has the unique traits, or set of skills, or interest and passions, or genetic makeup like you! You are the only you , so your voice and your stories are special and it’s necessary especially in a world where so many people and groups are pitted against each other. Especially in Toronto where there’s so much multiculturalism. My background’s so varied, other people’s backgrounds are so varied, but I’m growing up a Canadian. There’s nobody that has a story like mine with experiences like me, even if you’ve got the same background, our experiences are so different. Don‘t be afraid that you don’t have anything to share, everybody has something to share. J: I think I’d tell them that your voice is important, your opinion matters, whatever you’ve got to say, it means something. So, share what you wanna share, and don’t be afraid of what people are going to think. IS: If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? S: I’d tell myself to stop wasting so much time worrying and just go for it, because the older I get the more I realize “cool” is an illusion. It’s not a real thing, so stop worrying if you’re cool or not. Also that people’s opinions of you, you can give it a lot of weight or it can not matter at all. It’s up to you; you’re the one who decides that. IS: Jennah just did preach hands. J: (Laughs). Yas! S: Just realizing that I have nothing to be afraid of, and I wish I had known that 10 years ago. I would have gone for so many more opportunities, but at the same time when you’re ready, you’re ready. When you’re supposed to be going for certain things you’ll go for them. J: I’d tell myself to stop trying to please everybody because first, I don’t know what they want, I can only know what I want. I can’t read their mind. IS: Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings?
J: I hope they can relate. I think that we try to paint images and stories they can see themselves in. Even if they haven’t physically been in the same exact situation, they still feel the overall message. S: Yeah, that’s exactly it. They’re not alone in whatever they’ve gone through. Even in our EP release party (held last month), I just wanted people to feel loved in a sense. Sharing a bit of your own heart and risking being vulnerable with somebody allows them space to do the same thing. So, it’s like, don’t be afraid to show us who you are ‘cause here’s a bit of who we are. IS: What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? J: If you struggle with confidence, talk to yourself. People say when you talk to yourself, you’re kinda crazy, but I don’t think so. I think it’s healthy. When you talk to yourself or you write to yourself, sing to yourself, record yourself and then listen to yourself talking, you discover who you are by just exploring your own mind. S: I think it comes down to what I found for myself. It’s about whether you love yourself or not. You can fake confidence really easily, but if you don’t genuinely like who you are or love yourself, or believe you have any value, it’s a facade that can crack easily. Confidence can be shot by a word or a look or a situation. If you really value yourself and you know you’re of worth, and that’s not based on anyone’s opinion but your own, that kind of confidence can’t be shaken as easily. Just take it one day at a time, but try to get to know yourself and try to accept who you are. Foreword, Interview, and Photos by Anjelica Hammond Rees Missy Bauman has been called many things over the years; but today we’re calling her an Inspirational Songstress. Though she’s just started her career the impact she’s left on people will last a lifetime. Whether it’s from her song lyrics or her all around positivity, you can’t help but be drawn in by her infections personality. Fresh off of her first full length album release last month, “Don’t Fear The Dark” is a very raw personal side of Missy that many people don’t get to see. Missy takes you into her ever changing sublime world with tales of broken hearts, fears and friendships. Missy started off her musical journey at a young age winning a Hamilton Music Award for Best New Artist followed by a slot at the former Greenbelt Music Festival. All when she was 17 years old. After graduating high school, Missy attended the Independent Music Production program, IMP for short, as well as the Independent Song Writing & Performance program both at Seneca College. She created the band Daedalus which toured parts of southern Ontario as well as playing the Greenbelt Music Festival. Now Missy is going full force into her solo endeavor, with her recent release as well as a month long tour across Canada. I first met Missy Bauman while I was attending IMP. She was the cool girl with a leather jacket, bleached blonde hair, and a backpack full of buttons. I was blown away by her music and her personality, I knew I had to become her friend. 4 years later and she’s still one of my best friends. I’m sitting in her current home in Guelph Ontario, in her bedroom, listening to her favorite band Said the Whale. Asking her these questions. How would you describe your music? I call it dreamy drug folk which is kind of how I describe folk that’s not about working on the rail road. Just like modern contemporarily young girl things that I sing in a kind of folky rocky way. How would you define confidence & what does it mean to you? I think confidence is just believing in your own power, and being secure enough in your own feelings and, what you like to share with the world. Confidence can come in so many different forms. It’s not always just this presented alpha female walking into the room kinda thing, it can be just bravery in being a shy person as long as that’s what you want to share and that’s who you are and being unafraid to share that. I think that’s just as much confidence as being secure as a ‘look at me’, kind of of situation. In a scenario where I would be 100% confident I would be entering the room sweaty, and late, and covered in glitter and maybe have had a glass of wine and just feeling like my work can speak for itself. I’m not really concerned with an appearance or a persona as far as confidence goes. Do you feel more confident on stage or off? It depends. I find that when I’m playing with a band or with Max (Bornstein, the drummer for Missy’s band) it’s a lot easier to be confident and I just kind of step into a different skin almost where I can yell at people. It’s very very unnatural, but I find when I’m playing by myself I kind of realize how unnatural it is and it just seems so strange to me to like sing such personal stuff with all these people staring at me. So it’s a 50/50 kind of thing. Where does your strength come from to share your art? I think that, this is kind of like almost an oxymoron, but I’m so extremely private in my real life and really really shy. Like even talking about that (the miscarriage Missy suffered that inspired the song Her off of her EP "Girlhood") none of my friends or my family even knew that but I just can, I feel like when I need to express myself or share something music is always the first channel. I feel so much more assured in my own art as opposed to even a conversation with someone I love. I just feel way more comfortable and confident I guess, through my art sharing what I wanna share. What is your first memory of feeling musically confident? It was one of my first times performing, it was for a talent show in grade 8 and my sister and I were performing in it. I remember practicing ‘Blackbird’ by The Beatles constantly, 20 times a day and my family was so sick of it. I got up and played this thing and my family was like ‘Aw ya great we’ve heard this a zillion times.’ I remember that night just thinking ‘I’m an actual musician now. I just played and sang in front of people, this is real and this is a musical moment.’ It was really really cool for me. Why did you pick this location? What about it is special to you? I picked my house because, I move around a lot and it’s hard for me to pick one solid place just because I don’t really have a capital H, home. I moved around a lot as a kid and I’ve moved probably, I’ve moved like 10 or 11 times in the past 5 years which is just insane. Their all different city’s too, so the places that I get attached to in city’s aren’t like what I’m attached to now. Right now it’s just the place where I come home and I write my music and I relax, which is my room. Originally we wanted to do this interview at the Central, (a bar in Toronto that closed with the rest of Mirvish Village) which is now unfortunately closed. So if we would have done this at the Central, why is that place so special to you? So IMP, was my pivotal year in music, where i became really serious about being a professional musician. Which was just monumental in itself but it was also the year where I met my very best friend and I fell in love and I played my first show in Toronto. It was all just kind of like scary big moments and they all kinda revolved around having beers at the Central, and seeing shitty bands play at the Central. It was such an artist freedom space and it was a corner of our world and for it to get destroyed It breaks my heart Even if it would have been moved it wouldn’t have been the same. It was this majestic place that you could go to any time and know that you were just, like it was our home base for so long. There was a point in my life when I lived close by there too, when I was living on Harbor (Street), and whenever I was lonely I could just go down there and just feel the energy and feel the memories still sit there. What’s your biggest battle in keeping the confidence and the battle to keep it growing? I have a lot of problems like a lotta ‘Mental Health’, like the big scary word. I have kind of like a mood disorder that’s passed down in my family where it’s just extreme one way or another. So I’m not just happy I’m extremely elated and I spend all my money and, I sleep with random people or, you know just rash decisions. When it’s low it’s just extremely low, can’t even watch TV just have to stare at the wall and feel sorry for myself kind of stuff. So a lot of those times, it’s not on a schedule or anything and, a lot of the times I’ll go into a show in a very low place. There’s nothing I can do I just have to get up there and try to communicate and try to be myself when I feel like I’m almost wearing like, a blanket of sadness. Trying to break threw and trying to shine threw that, and that’s a huge huge challenge for me. When you’re performing, what makes you feel most powerful? I would have to say when everything clicks on stage, sound wise, like I can hear what everyone’s doing. Everything’s in tune, everything’s in time and I am singing an aggressive song making eye contact with someone. I feel like I can crush human beings with my toes in moments like that I feel so badass. I feel like my goal in those moments is being like a bad bitch and super cute but also, no one’s gonna touch me because I will kill them with my thighs or something. I can choose to murder you with this look I’m gonna give you, but I’ll let you live. Who is your female inspiration? Musician or not. I have so many I have a bucket full. I would say musically Hannah Georgas is at the top of my list. Because, all her accomplishments kind of line up with my goals and she does it in such a cool way without selling out. She has just stayed honest to herself and put out honest great music, and done all the things that I could ever hope to do. What has been your biggest personal confidence set back? Did it help or hurt your music? The year that IMP ended was so hard for me and I think it’s really common for people who finish the program. The whole time you’re actively doing things for your music career and there is kind of a path set out for you. It’s an extreme path it’s not even what a natural extremely hard working musician would necessarily do every day. When that ended it was really hard for me to get back into that, even half as intense as I was during IMP. All of a sudden I had no schedule and I was living in Stoufville so I had no friends and it was a really tricky time. I feel like eventually it helps but, it did take a long time for me to discipline myself into doing my own schedule and into working as hard as I did in school. I feel like I’m a natural student where it’s really easy for me to do assignments. If there was a musician school to last for my whole career I’d be like fucking Taylor Swift in 5 years, I swear to god. I’m just so obsessed with handing in something great. Where as with myself I’m still learning to value my own successes the same way. We’re taught to get approval for something that we’ve done academically our whole lives. So you just get that feeling, it’s the same thing with work like traditional work. You hand something in and you want praise back you want achievement back; music isn’t always like that. It’s very much a give and take between you and an unknown person. You put out a piece of music and you don’t know what someone could be saying about it. You just have to hope and keep it in your own mind and be confident in yourself that this was a good piece of art, which is tough. What do you think is the most important thing to remember as a female musician? It’s important to call the boys in the boy club out, if that makes sense? Music along with many creative industry’s is run by old white guys and it can be tricky facing sexism all the time. I think the more we call it out and the more that we come with knowledge and arguments and experience and skill to back it up, the better it will be for us. There are lots of communities, even online and lots of community support because people want equality. It’s 2017 even the old white dudes, maybe they don’t want it with a fiery burning passion but, they don’t wanna be like hating women or excluding women from the music scene. I just think that it’s really important to preserve those spaces for women in music and to stick up for something when something’s wrong. To say don’t treat me this way or I’m not gonna play here again if that sexist sound guy is here or writing a letter to CMW, there was this panel for “Leading women in music” and it was run by guys, this year at CMW! It was ridiculous and even the festival line ups are coming out. I love seeing when they take out all the men to see the lack of women in festivals. It’s kind of getting better now, that people are talking about it more. Part of the reason that’s changed is because of infographics and because of the women posting it and being outraged. Which is why I think it’s really important to keep speaking up about those things and being upset about those things because it sucks! It sucks for people to be like ‘Oh there’s just not that many women doing it, there’s just more guys doing it’, which is complete bullshit! It can be so hard to be taken seriously, I think part of it has to do with being young, but I feel like a bigger part of it has to do with being a female who plays acoustic guitar. Which is sad, very sad. If you could go back to a time where you felt taken back by whatever obstacle, what would you tell yourself knowing what you know now? I’ve defiantly learned that music is almost always one extreme or the other. Meaning a show is rarely ever good. It’s either amazing or, you want to hide under your bed and eat a pizza and that it. It’s the same with money and with press, sometimes it happens and it’s amazing but a lot of the times it doesn’t and it’s just extreme and there’s not a lot of consistency in music. I feel like, a lot of the rejection that I faced in early days could have been better if I just understood that things will come later or you just have to get through this and it will happen again and you’ll have to get threw it than too and just be able to continue that way knowing that music is just a roller coaster of emotions. Do you have a message you hope to send to people who see you live or listen to your recordings? I have just a handful of messages but mostly it’s so cheesy but, I just want people to be genuine. Like be yourself. I love meeting people who get really flustered about talking about something they love or you know, just being super dorky and being just unafraid of people’s judgments so long as its done with love. If you’re a dick? You know be someone else but, if you are a kind person and you have passion and love to share and you share it truly? Thats what I would really love to encourage through my music. It’s funny cause a lot of my music is very sad, but I feel like all of my sad songs are about the journey to get over it. To be happy, and to be that true version of yourself. What’s your advice for other women, young or old, who struggle with confidence? This is kind of a token piece of advice not like a blanket. It comes from this article that I read. I am very very very shy but I dress kinda extreme. So I’ll wear a glittery crop top with a push up bra and, giant high heels and, put glitter all over my face with curly pinktales and I just dress kinda crazy. I never understood why I like to do that until I read this article, and it’s something called, it comes from one of those stupid pick up artist books... Peacocking? YAAA. You know it? I know it from 17 again with Zack Efron lol. So it’s like that’s why I do it. It totally is what I would wear, I like to wear what I wear all the time even though it’s a little bit crazy or a little bit silly but maybe that’s part of the reason cause I’m shy. If you talk to me, love to talk love to meet cool people who are also a little bit crazy and sparkly in their hearts. You’re trying to attract similar people in that way Ya! Even if you’re not feeling confident put on something that makes you feel you. Even if it’s loud or crazy or it doesn’t match or whatever. As long as you own it, the confidence will come. |